and what now...

Have just returned from the annual 8th grade whirlwind tour of DC -- no barfing this year, but it was the soap opera to end all soap operas in terms of romance drama with the kids. And that was a relief -- I actually quit chewing my nails during the trip (am of course back to that now). The morning we left, OFL called me off the bus to tell me that "Our Friend" was discussing employee assistance with the union prez in his office, which made me feel better, and worse.

Because I'm a rat.

I can rationalize this whole thing out the ass, but the feeling remains -- I've really ratted someone out to The Man.

The group that intervened over the winter got together recently when we learned that Our Friend had started doing things that endangered her job and we all agreed that the next step had to be taken and the admins had to know, but one by one they chickened out until literally I was left on the phone with the last one when OFL arrived for the official meeting to discuss a problem... and I had to go face him alone. That was the one specific thing I told the group I did not want to have to do alone, and yet they left me to it anyway.

I was so pissed about that.

I had The Discussion and gave him the facts and avoided the names of those who chose not to appear, and I cried and shook because I was so upset we had gotten to this point, and OFL was understanding and matter-of-fact in terms of where we would go next and how he would approach things -- and what would happen if all else failed. He left and made calls and cancelled meetings, and I went and threw up in the ladies' room. Courage means doing the right thing even though you're a shaky weepy want-to-vomit mess and you do it anyway. I guess sometimes you get to be the pissed-off hoowah hand-me-the-fucking-gun John Wayne/Bruce Willis kind of courageous, but I have a feeling more often than not it's the other kind.

And that just sucks. There's plenty of preparation for doing the right thing when it involves absolutes: save the kid from the pedophile, save the old lady from being run over in the crosswalk, save the nun from the armed robber... but when it comes to saving a dear friend from themselves, when they are so fucking good at talking everyone out of doing anything, when you see the road ahead and it's full of empty bottles and broken dreams... well, there's Lifetime movies that always end up with everyone in the right place, and that's about it. And that shit doesn't apply.

I think right now that courage was involved, but I don't know where this is going, or whether I will look back and wish I'd done something different. I just know that I believed very, very strongly that things had gone far past what I was capable of dealing with, and that I really thought what I did was the best course of action at that time.

I hope it was.
I hope it works.
I hope my friend comes back to me, and I hope she forgives me when she finds out I spoke up.

A Toast to My Brother-In-Law

This is the 6th or 7th draft of this toast. I'm still working on it and tweaking as the inspiration strikes.

A toast to my brother-in-law, on the occasion of his wedding to Lydia.

I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at. ~Maya Angelou

Family bonds are grown and cemented over the years through a history of shared experiences: mundane meals, funny cooking disasters, late nights and hangovers, silly photographs, acts of kindness and practical jokes, celebrations of accomplishments, and difficult times... through celebrations and tragedies alike.

I knew of Michael before I met him. Steve talked a little about his brother, the popular water polo player, the Greenwich boy. Mike and I first met when Steve brought me to their grandparents' home for Mike's college graduation party. Steve hadn't bothered to tell me he hadn't ever officially "brought a girl home" to meet the family, so there was more fuss than I expected, and Mike seemed to find all the Italian ladies swarming around and overwhelming me pretty amusing. We got to know each other through the next several years, while Steve and I were dating, engaged and married. Mike slowly became the brother I wasn't born with, but the one I laughed with (and at), depended upon, got mad at, smacked, threw things at, forgave, and most importantly, loved. Mike has grown into one of the most kind-hearted men I know, with a wonderful sense of humor. He is someone who understands how important it is to show those around you how much you love them, and he works at that every day.

Steve and Mike's mother was one of the strongest, most loving, spirited, and opinionated women I have ever known. As with many other relationships, we had our differences and came to terms with them through time. During the summer before she passed away, I made sure to go and hold her hand and talk with her every day as she was able, hoping she would help me understand what I should do for her grandchildren. They were the easy part, though, and she knew that more than I did. When Lucille was very ill, she took my hand one afternoon as she lay propped in her bed, and told me the best thing she ever did was raise two good boys. She said "Take care of my boys. I know you'll take care of Steven. You take care of Michael too -- you're the one who will do it." It took her a long time to tell me that, because she kept losing her breath, but she made sure I heard every word, and she made damn sure I said yes. She knew then what Mike would face without her, and she entrusted him to me. This has been my charge, my sacred promise to her that I have tried so hard to keep. Now, I pass part of that charge on to Lydia... you, whom Lucille would have embraced and enjoyed so much, for your spirit and humor and lovely kindness and fun. I wish you could have met her -- she would have had so much fun with you. I believe she's happy today, because her beloved firstborn son is truly happy.

Going back to Maya Angelou's quote, marriage, much like sisterhood and brotherhood, is a lot of work. Sometimes it's an exotic vacation, sometimes it's a everyday stay-cation, sometimes it's treading water, and sometimes it's literally keeping each other's heads above water every few minutes. While all of that is true, none of it lasts too long before something changes. But it's worth it because all those experiences deepen and strengthen the love that keeps us all going. And family plays a crucial part in keeping marriages together and strong : we love the people who are our family: those who choose to help us, who choose to stand by us, and choose to be part of our lives during times both easy and difficult. Our family has evolved and changed over the last twenty years, with the comings and goings of life's events. It is love, above all that has sustained us and kept us together, and I am now and will always be grateful for the love that Mike has found with Lydia. Take care of my brother, dearest Lydia, and welcome to the family.

It's Thankful Time Again

We're closing in on Thanksgiving, and we will be taking the kids and escaping to Vermont to go skiing this year. FIL and wife have left for St. Martin for 2 weeks, and Hubby doesn't want to stay home. So he found us a house to rent, and we'll drive up Thursday morning (with a cooler full of stuff for turkey dinner) and come back on Sunday. The kids are looking forward to the trip, and I am too.
Things to be thankful for:

• Hubby
• The Boy and the Drama Queen
  
• Both of us are employed.
• Both kids are healthy and doing well in school.
• The extended family has its variety of problems, but so far it looks like they are getting resolved.
• Books to read.
• Reviews to write.
• Classes I enjoy teaching.
• Booktalks I enjoy giving.
• The Christmas cards are done and only have to be addressed and mailed!
• VINO!
• Lexapro
• warm sweaters
  
• fleece anything
• curling up with a kid on each side watching The Wizard of Oz or The Princess Bride (or any Star Wars)
  

I see so much that is frightening these days, with people losing jobs and homes, and the economy cratering, and it makes me grateful every morning to get up and look at my family and see that they are all right. It's scary to think that things are more precarious than we realize -- that's what makes me appreciate what I have.

It's A New World

Well, maybe not literally. But politically in America, you can't ignore it. We have stood witness to history, and this is something that my children and I will be able to tell their children, and maybe their children's children: that The Boy and DQ peeked over the voting booth table and watched me vote for the first black President of America. And not because he was black -- because I thought he was the best man for the job and I thought he had the best chance of doing what needs to be done to make this country a better place for my family.
Grandmona isn't just rolling in her grave... her ashes are spinning like a frickin' tornado in there.
God bless the Obama family. And God bless all of the Secret Service agents charged with keeping them safe. I hope they succeed.

I'm Done Being Undecided

Well, after months and months of wobbling back and forth on the political fence, I've decided. I sat home for 2 days this past week with a nasty sinus infection and flipped back and forth between all of the biased news networks to see what the latest scoop on the end-run of the campaigns was... and it was amazing to me the spin being thrown all over.
I turned it all off on Friday and made a list of all of the things that were truly important to me.
And then I thought about everything I had heard the candidates themselves say about where they stood on the issues and what they would do (or not do) about those things.
My list pretty much revolves around my children and my retired parents.
1. End the war in Iraq. I don't want my son ending up drafted at 18 because this war had to be "won." I think ending the war will start the process of rebuilding this country's international reputation, which has been entirely destroyed.
2. Fix the Social Security/Medicare mess so my parents aren't destitute.
3. Use the energy crisis as a catalyst for moving to alternative fuels, and creating jobs based on those energies (building wind/solar infrastructure and retooling car manufacturing for hybrid/alternative cars).
4. Invest in education, especially science and math.
5. Change the health care system. It's completely broken and needs some kind of massive overhaul -- including malpractice lawsuit laws.
6. The Supremes. Looks to me like we will be in need of anywhere from 1-3 new Supreme Court justices in the next several years. I want decent, rational justices who look at the constitution as their guiding document. I do not want Roe v. Wade overturned because of evangelical religious pressures.

While I don't want my taxes to go up, if it means sacrifice in the short term to fix our long-term problems and make a better life for my kids (and for when I retire), I am willing to face that. I am hoping that things we have now can be rearranged to better address our needs, but looking at the looming deficit and the Social Security/Medicare hole we are going to fall into in 10-15 years, I don't think it's realistic to think we can do it without some overall belt-tightening all around.
And thus, looking at the candidates, I have come to the following conclusions:
1. War... Obama looks most likely to end the war. McCain keeps talking "victory" which smells fishy to me. Palin doesn't help him win me over on this one.
2. Social Security/Medicare... it's a tossup to me. They both recognize the problem and both seem willing to look into serious reforms and changes.
3. Energy/Environment ... Obama has more detailed plans and ideas than McCain. Period.
4. Education... Obama wins this one again with more detailed plans and ideas. McCain just isn't giving enough information, which makes me think he considers this a lesser issue. It's not for me.
5. Health care... Obama has a more comprehensive reform plan, but it sounds like socialized medicine on the surface. McCain wants to give money for buying the insurance, but also wants to tax medical benefits -- so it doesn't sound like he actually wants to make sure people can do this. I'm leaning Obama on this one because I know we need to do something major, and maybe this is what we are going to have to do to make sure everyone has health insurance and can receive competent care.
6. Supremes... McCain loses dramatically here. I don't see him as one who will nominate justices without the Roe v.Wade litmus test. This is an area that will have serious ramifications long after the next president leaves office, and I don't want to have to fly out of the country with my daughter or niece should they get into "that sort" of trouble and want a choice. I think Obama and Biden will be more likely to nominate justices who are more reasoned and constitutionally mindful.

Here's what I don't give a shit about: Palin's clothes and children, Biden's blathering, people Obama has met who have weird ideas or priorities, and McCain's wife's money. None of that makes one bit of difference in my life.

Based on my list of priorities and what I gleaned from the candidates' speeches, debates, and websites, I'm going to be crossing my fingers and voting for Barack Obama and Joe Biden. I think they want to address the concerns I think are important, and I think they will tackle them in a way that benefits the most people.

I hope. And I will vote on Tuesday.

And isn't that about all we can do at this point?

I love my kids...

Every now and then, I get a jolt that makes me see how good my life is. Much as I bitch and moan about things, I do have a lot of wonderful people and opportunities in my life that make it worth putting up with all of the rest of the mundane bullshit.
Today's jolt: my realization that The Boy is a really, really great kid. What caused this? I got a phone call from a parent of one of the kids who is in his afterschool program. Her daughter's homework planner was MIA, and she asked very politely if I could check to see if The Boy had picked it up mistakenly. I checked, and only found his planner in his backpack. The chilling shrieks and bloodcurdling screams that came over the phone next made me feel extremely sorry for the mother who was putting up with her 7-year-old's atom-splitting tantrum since we didn't have her planner. After the call was over and my hearing had started to return to my right ear, I went into the living room and hugged The Boy and told him I was really glad that he could handle problems and be helpful. When Hubby returned home and I told him about the call and how glad I was that our fella didn't throw tantrums like that, his response was "Well, we don't put up with that crap -- he knows if he did that, he'd get a smack and get sent to his room. So he doesn't do it." Frankly, I think it's more than that... it's more than fear of getting a smack on the butt and having to sit up alone in his room. It's that we make an effort to talk with him about solving problems and coming up with alternatives when he gets into situations like lost homework or whatever. He's used to us talking about feelings and giving words to use, not just when he's feeling out of sorts, but when we are too. He sees the Drama Queen going into her four-year-old rages and how we try to talk her through them, which doesn't work about 90% of the time, and she ends up with the smack on the bottom to get her attention and the trip to her room to calm down, but we do start with the talking and end with it after she's settled down. We're heavy on the old-school parenting, but we also make a concerted effort to listen, to talk through things and to deal with feelings and situations. I think you have to have both methods as options -- just smacking your kids doesn't work, and neither does talking at them when they are so pissed off that they are incapable of listening. It's all about balance, and sometimes that is really hard to find... but isn't that part of being human and wandering through the wilderness of parenting? Anyway, back to the jolt business, even though my kids are not perfect, and I am definitely not mom of the year, I do appreciate all of the joy and wonder my kids bring to this crazy family we have, and I hope those are the parts they remember most when they are grown.

HA!

Wizards vs. Vampires... it's all settled now.