It's 11 pm on a Friday night, and I should be in bed. Actually, I should be way far gone in bed and passed out sleeping. I have been so tired this week. I put the kids to bed and picked up a book -- Standing Against The Wind by Traci Jones. This book has nothing to do with my situation on the surface, but there was a phrase the author used to describe the main character's sibling that sent me completely over the edge tonight: "She was a force of nature."
I lost it.
In the middle of a book about a kid clawing her way out of the Chicago ghettos, I lose it because all I can think of is my sister Kathy, beloved wonder who made my kids believe they were the center of her world, and whose anger and humor made her a force of nature. Would I have had the same visceral reaction five years ago? Maybe... maybe not. Loss is a powerful change in one's life. Sometimes it's that cliche -- you don't know what you have until it's gone. I am pretty sure I knew what I had in her, but I don't think I realized how big the hole in my life would be without her.
And it's a goddamn big fucking hole.
