Definitely exhaustion.
I've been to bed by 8 pm twice this week and I still don't feel like I've caught up. Doesn't help that the Drama Queen has been waking up and wailing at 4am the last couple nights consistently. She was a total pain in the ass today at daycare too -- Tasha's never been that detailed in all the jackass things she's done all day. I got in DQ's face about that immediately and told her in no uncertain terms that she was not to behave that way ever, and if she did I was going to tell Tasha to call me at work and that I would come HELP her behave. Made me feel like the boss with the hat in Cool Hand Luke ("You got your mind RIGHT there boy?") -- which of course made me feel like shit, but she can't get away with acting like that. She may be channeling my mother-in-law, but damned if I have to let her get off scot free for it.
I haven't been feeling right for a couple weeks, but it seems to be getting worse. Not sleeping right, feeling exhausted and at the end of my rope most of the time... I'm wondering if this is temporary or if I should consider going back on the meds. I can't think of anything specific that ought to be sending me over the edge, but maybe it's a lot of little things that I'm not giving enough credit to. Sure sign something's up -- not looking forward to my birthday in the least, and I would be more than happy to ignore the occasion completely. I usually want at least a couple nice cards and a nice dinner to look forward to, and the family always makes sure to send a couple nice gifts ... but I just don't care about any of that at all this year. It's strange to feel this way again (happened last year when we were constantly in crisis over the MOL), but this time without the impending doom and absolute focus on everything else going on.
Maybe I just need some peace.
That's been sorely lacking for a long time. We haven't had one holiday in the last few years that wasn't overtaken by the raging internal family dramas.
Maybe I just need some quiet time to recharge.
That's mostly what I had in Vegas last year (good thing -- if it hadn't been for that trip I would have been a complete disaster when it counted). Doesn't look like that will happen anytime soon though. Maybe I will get some peace in Louisiana ... taking the kids out in the kayak to see the dolphins in the mornings and evenings ... there's hope.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
Are We Done With the Damn Snow Yet?
Bitch, bitch, bitch. I don't mind the snow, really -- I mind the rain, sleet and sneet that compacted that nice fluffy powder into the glacial ice pack that has been my driveway for the last couple days. Hubby broke a shovel handle and gouged both hands before switching to the heavy-duty metal garden shovel (and then giving up soon after). The sun is starting to take care of it but it looks like we might get more frigid crap tonight. Good thing Big Bertha is as heavy as she is or I'd never get her wide load ass out of the driveway. Hope this is the last big winter storm.
We took the kids sledding over in Byram park yesterday, and had a blast. We went all the way down the big hill over and over -- what wild rides! The Drama Queen was busy channeling Danica Patrick, and The Boy was thrilled too. The weather yesterday was wonderful, just warm enough to be comfortable outside without turning everything into a slushy mess on the hill.
Our St. Patrick's Day was full of family, godparents and birthday cake for The Boy. He has been having so much fun with the lightsabers and his Harry Potter getup ... and we keep switching between the Star Wars dvds and the Harry Potter ones. I'm almost afraid he's going to start asking what Obi Wan teaches at Hogwarts.
Auntie Mame's visit went very well. Picked her up at the airport, and she came for dinner and saw the kids. The Boy went running and jumping into her arms! The Drama Queen gave her a bit of the stink-eye before she warmed up, but we taught her to say "Uncle Wome is in I-Wack," and she got a little smiley. It was so nice to have Mamie here... and it was physically painful to watch her leave. I miss her much more than I'm willing to admit to myself most of the time. I am looking forward to going south to visit the Redneck Relations next month. It'll be the first big family trip since we went to Mexico for Wome and Mame's wedding, so we'll see how we do as a traveling circus.
One more weekend of birthday hoohah (Charlie and The Boy both on Saturday, then Hubby on Monday). Then we can breathe. Once again, I feel like I just don't give a rat's left asscheek about my birthday this year (38? So what???). We'll be down south for it, and I already told Auntie JurisD that I don't give a shit and we can skip my birthday entirely ... I'm just happy to be somewhere different. We'll see if she listens. I don't have much hope of that, as she doesn't have a history of doing that unless things are completely removed from her control, and since we're going to HER house, that's pretty much an impossibility.
Work sucks. What else is new. We got a bunch of new books (Spend the money! Don't let them take it back!!!), and that is going to keep me occupied for a while.
We took the kids sledding over in Byram park yesterday, and had a blast. We went all the way down the big hill over and over -- what wild rides! The Drama Queen was busy channeling Danica Patrick, and The Boy was thrilled too. The weather yesterday was wonderful, just warm enough to be comfortable outside without turning everything into a slushy mess on the hill.
Our St. Patrick's Day was full of family, godparents and birthday cake for The Boy. He has been having so much fun with the lightsabers and his Harry Potter getup ... and we keep switching between the Star Wars dvds and the Harry Potter ones. I'm almost afraid he's going to start asking what Obi Wan teaches at Hogwarts.
Auntie Mame's visit went very well. Picked her up at the airport, and she came for dinner and saw the kids. The Boy went running and jumping into her arms! The Drama Queen gave her a bit of the stink-eye before she warmed up, but we taught her to say "Uncle Wome is in I-Wack," and she got a little smiley. It was so nice to have Mamie here... and it was physically painful to watch her leave. I miss her much more than I'm willing to admit to myself most of the time. I am looking forward to going south to visit the Redneck Relations next month. It'll be the first big family trip since we went to Mexico for Wome and Mame's wedding, so we'll see how we do as a traveling circus.
One more weekend of birthday hoohah (Charlie and The Boy both on Saturday, then Hubby on Monday). Then we can breathe. Once again, I feel like I just don't give a rat's left asscheek about my birthday this year (38? So what???). We'll be down south for it, and I already told Auntie JurisD that I don't give a shit and we can skip my birthday entirely ... I'm just happy to be somewhere different. We'll see if she listens. I don't have much hope of that, as she doesn't have a history of doing that unless things are completely removed from her control, and since we're going to HER house, that's pretty much an impossibility.
Work sucks. What else is new. We got a bunch of new books (Spend the money! Don't let them take it back!!!), and that is going to keep me occupied for a while.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Random Updates
Auntie Mame is coming Monday for a brief dinnertime stopover, as she's coming from Austin up to Hartford for a 1-day job, then on to Toronto. The Boy and the Drama Queen are pretty excited! If the weather's decent we'll grill steaks, if it's lousy we'll get takeout.
The Boy's birthday is next weekend, and we're having a family party (read: have the cousins over and play and have cupcakes), then the "real" party is the following weekend. For some reason, Hubby thought it was a good idea to book a music party (fine) in Wilton (????). I have no idea if people will actually be willing to go that far for a birthday party. Guess we'll find out.
Went to the show-and-tell for the Other School. Lots of good info on class sizes, curriculum and staffing, and I think The Boy would do well there. Hubby was predictably racist and stubborn: "I don't want him going to school with a bunch of blacks and Puerto Ricans." We're still battling this one out. We'll see if he gets in and then we'll have the showdown. I think if we did send him there, it would change Hubby's mind (at least to some degree). He's got what he remembers from high school in his head -- when the kids there were the lowest performing and least able students, and also the most troublesome. The school is very different now than it was then, esp with the new principal. She's one tough, organized lady.
I'm done with the first draft of the district summer reading website, and am updating author lists and working on the brochure version as suggestions come in. Got a couple new banners done for the genre pages, and they look better than the old ones. Still waiting to get final copy from the LA dept on the intro letter and assignment. Eeyore was annoying about that. Everything I do she comes up and announces she will do it too. I told her flat out no on the summer reading business -- I probably would have given her the brochure part of it had I not been so aggravated that she had assumed that she could do half my booktalks this entire week. I let that go this week, but we are going to have to have a sit-down this coming week and discuss division of responsibilities because this "if you're doing it I should get to do part of it too" crap is annoying the shit out of me. I'm not a particularly territorial person, but I feel like Eeyore is up my ass most of the time and my patience is coming to the end.
I also volunteered for one session of summer work, helping the LA dept revise and update the core books/reading lists. That will be difficult to say the least. Trying to get that group to agree on anything new is usually like stopping the earth from rotating. Hopefully there will be enough younger teachers on the committee who are willing to look at newer stuff. There are a few teachers (mostly from Wonderland) who would be total stick-in-the-muds about everything. Maybe they'll be on vacation.
The Boy's birthday is next weekend, and we're having a family party (read: have the cousins over and play and have cupcakes), then the "real" party is the following weekend. For some reason, Hubby thought it was a good idea to book a music party (fine) in Wilton (????). I have no idea if people will actually be willing to go that far for a birthday party. Guess we'll find out.
Went to the show-and-tell for the Other School. Lots of good info on class sizes, curriculum and staffing, and I think The Boy would do well there. Hubby was predictably racist and stubborn: "I don't want him going to school with a bunch of blacks and Puerto Ricans." We're still battling this one out. We'll see if he gets in and then we'll have the showdown. I think if we did send him there, it would change Hubby's mind (at least to some degree). He's got what he remembers from high school in his head -- when the kids there were the lowest performing and least able students, and also the most troublesome. The school is very different now than it was then, esp with the new principal. She's one tough, organized lady.
I'm done with the first draft of the district summer reading website, and am updating author lists and working on the brochure version as suggestions come in. Got a couple new banners done for the genre pages, and they look better than the old ones. Still waiting to get final copy from the LA dept on the intro letter and assignment. Eeyore was annoying about that. Everything I do she comes up and announces she will do it too. I told her flat out no on the summer reading business -- I probably would have given her the brochure part of it had I not been so aggravated that she had assumed that she could do half my booktalks this entire week. I let that go this week, but we are going to have to have a sit-down this coming week and discuss division of responsibilities because this "if you're doing it I should get to do part of it too" crap is annoying the shit out of me. I'm not a particularly territorial person, but I feel like Eeyore is up my ass most of the time and my patience is coming to the end.
I also volunteered for one session of summer work, helping the LA dept revise and update the core books/reading lists. That will be difficult to say the least. Trying to get that group to agree on anything new is usually like stopping the earth from rotating. Hopefully there will be enough younger teachers on the committee who are willing to look at newer stuff. There are a few teachers (mostly from Wonderland) who would be total stick-in-the-muds about everything. Maybe they'll be on vacation.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Decisions, Decisions...
I'm not happy with The Boy's experiences at his elementary school. I switched him into the school where he is because it is right across the street from where I work, therefore it was convenient for dropoffs, pickups, and any odd emergencies. It's supposed to be top-notch, at least in terms of test scores and such, and the "clientele" kids basically all live in million-plus homes, so you would expect that they would come ready to learn etc. Not the case. One parent at the kindergarten orientation wanted to know if kids would be okay if they didn't know the alphabet and their numbers.
The Boy has been bored this year as they have done little more than what he already learned in preschool. I have not been impressed with his teacher at all. She does not use email (how in the hell that goes on I have no idea), and demands handwritten notes be delivered to her room. That's inconvenient for me to say the least, but I'd put up with that if I got even remotely timely responses (or responses at all). For their "100th Day of Kindergarten" celebration, they spent the entire day counting to 100. He's been able to do that for a year and a half. His "report card" at parent conference time was stellar other than low marks for being unable to reliably pick out rhyming words (big deal in my opinion given the other benchmarks). He has also been very upset that he doesn't get invited on playdates after school. The mothers know that I work (there are only two of us in the class who do). I can't invite kids for afterschool playdates because I work till 4:30... so that's pretty much impossible, and it's hard for Jake to understand that sometimes. He's also been coming home and asking questions about how much our house cost, and how much our car cost, and when are we getting a new car and a new house. Those seem like strange questions to me, but he says that the kids in his class talk about stuff like that. That makes me a little uncomfortable, like they are looking for a way to rank him lower in the social strata.
Anyway, due to all of this, I am looking to move him to a different school next year. There are two magnet schools I have applications for. The First One is at least in the same side of town and feeds into my middle school, and The Other One is going to have a brand new building and expanded sports and music programs (not to mention significantly smaller class sizes so he would get more attention). Hubby is opposed to The Other because it eventually feeds into our designated middle school, which is not as good a school as the one where I work, in his opinion. I think it would be better because he would at least have some contact with kids from our neighborhood, and maybe make some friends closer to home. I know it will be much easier to get him in there (I have no idea if they will give me any extra consideration at The First One). I just know I really don't want him where he is any more. I want him to be happy, and I just don't see that there.
I hope I'm doing the right thing, and I hope we find a place where he'll be happier and be challenged more.
The Boy has been bored this year as they have done little more than what he already learned in preschool. I have not been impressed with his teacher at all. She does not use email (how in the hell that goes on I have no idea), and demands handwritten notes be delivered to her room. That's inconvenient for me to say the least, but I'd put up with that if I got even remotely timely responses (or responses at all). For their "100th Day of Kindergarten" celebration, they spent the entire day counting to 100. He's been able to do that for a year and a half. His "report card" at parent conference time was stellar other than low marks for being unable to reliably pick out rhyming words (big deal in my opinion given the other benchmarks). He has also been very upset that he doesn't get invited on playdates after school. The mothers know that I work (there are only two of us in the class who do). I can't invite kids for afterschool playdates because I work till 4:30... so that's pretty much impossible, and it's hard for Jake to understand that sometimes. He's also been coming home and asking questions about how much our house cost, and how much our car cost, and when are we getting a new car and a new house. Those seem like strange questions to me, but he says that the kids in his class talk about stuff like that. That makes me a little uncomfortable, like they are looking for a way to rank him lower in the social strata.
Anyway, due to all of this, I am looking to move him to a different school next year. There are two magnet schools I have applications for. The First One is at least in the same side of town and feeds into my middle school, and The Other One is going to have a brand new building and expanded sports and music programs (not to mention significantly smaller class sizes so he would get more attention). Hubby is opposed to The Other because it eventually feeds into our designated middle school, which is not as good a school as the one where I work, in his opinion. I think it would be better because he would at least have some contact with kids from our neighborhood, and maybe make some friends closer to home. I know it will be much easier to get him in there (I have no idea if they will give me any extra consideration at The First One). I just know I really don't want him where he is any more. I want him to be happy, and I just don't see that there.
I hope I'm doing the right thing, and I hope we find a place where he'll be happier and be challenged more.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Michelangelo I Am Not
After two days (about eight hours total I think), one gallon of primer and almost two gallons of flat paint, the media center walls are now all some variety of white (the oldest paint actually looks grey, but that's beside the point). We now no longer have the weird purple stripe running the length of the room, and the giant overbearing dark blue oval is now all white. I was up on a ladder painting the high areas of the oval (mostly over my head) and I have a much greater respect for anyone who can paint like that on a regular basis. As the title says, Michelangelo I am not, but I got the job done and it looks pretty nice. It's amazing how much just those two places brightened up the space. Kanga and I also painted the column behind the media desk... just one coat, but the difference was phenomenal. She is such a trooper. I bought her lunch and a cerveza today when we went out with OFL, The Boss, and Owl. We did have a few minor mishaps with the paint, mostly caught by the dropcloths and the tarp, but there were several instances where K's paint roller spongy-thing went flying off the metal roller and landed on the rug. We both laughed, mostly because the rug is in such disastrously dismal shape that the paint splats don't even really matter. If Eeyore complains, I'll just put duct tape over them -- not like THAT'S an unusual occurrence. I'm hoping that this project will make our media center seem nicer for the students and staff, and show them that we do care about the quality of the appearance of the place. Hopefully the new chairs will come soon, and if I get really lucky the tables will still be at Lillian August when I go next week. If not I'll get the one big table and the two smaller ones if those are still there. That'll be an interesting trip. Haven't told OFL about the rug estimate yet ... that's a summer project anyway, so I haven't worried about getting those numbers to him yet.
And now the cranky griping:
Every major thing that has happened with the facilities has been directly my decision so far (weeding, all the new furniture, the painting, discussing blinds/rugs/tile/etc with OFL and Frankenstein). I have tried I don't know how many ways to involve Eeyore, but all she seems to do is drag and delay, and then find something to bitch about once it's done. I'm annoyed, but at the same time I see a pattern, and I really don't feel too uncomfortable making these decisions pretty much without her input (since it's usually negative anyway). The book orders are also left entirely to me since she didn't do anything with them the Friday before vacation, when I specifically asked her to prioritize and send.
Back to a nicer midset:
On the up side, I've read a couple new books over vacation that I've enjoyed, and I posted reviews ("Mrs. B's Favorites" on the EMS site in the Media Center Recommended Reads section). If the weather is reasonably decent tomorrow, I am taking The Boy into NY to the Museum of Natural History tomorrow. I hope it's good, because he's really looking forward to this. Should have asked the Dormouse for the camera!
The Boy had another marvelous day with his beloved blonde bombshell. They went for a wander down to OG and went into the toy store and the bookstore, and then back to her house for lunch and building with legos. She is such a wonderful doll, and he adores her. :)
And now the cranky griping:
Every major thing that has happened with the facilities has been directly my decision so far (weeding, all the new furniture, the painting, discussing blinds/rugs/tile/etc with OFL and Frankenstein). I have tried I don't know how many ways to involve Eeyore, but all she seems to do is drag and delay, and then find something to bitch about once it's done. I'm annoyed, but at the same time I see a pattern, and I really don't feel too uncomfortable making these decisions pretty much without her input (since it's usually negative anyway). The book orders are also left entirely to me since she didn't do anything with them the Friday before vacation, when I specifically asked her to prioritize and send.
Back to a nicer midset:
On the up side, I've read a couple new books over vacation that I've enjoyed, and I posted reviews ("Mrs. B's Favorites" on the EMS site in the Media Center Recommended Reads section). If the weather is reasonably decent tomorrow, I am taking The Boy into NY to the Museum of Natural History tomorrow. I hope it's good, because he's really looking forward to this. Should have asked the Dormouse for the camera!
The Boy had another marvelous day with his beloved blonde bombshell. They went for a wander down to OG and went into the toy store and the bookstore, and then back to her house for lunch and building with legos. She is such a wonderful doll, and he adores her. :)
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
The First Dry Day
Hurray, hurray (and for those of you who don't give a shit about toilet training, leave the blog now) for The Drama Queen, who had her very first full day of underwear and no accidents! Our little monster is getting to be quite the big girl. She's also the official subject of her teacher's semester-long observation project for her college course ... I laughed at that one and told Natacha I hoped her professor had a good sense of humor. We had to sign off on a two-page permission form for this! Anyway, it's good that DQ's finally got the underwear on and she appears to have gotten the hang of this pretty well. She did well over the weekend -- only a couple accidents. I've been dressing her in easy-up-and-down outfits: dress and tights or loose pants, so that helps as she can manage those on her own.
The Boy had a great time with his favorite blonde today, and is very much looking forward to spending the day with her tomorrow also. K and I got all the spaces primed today, and tomorrow we do a finish coat (hopefully one will do). We've tentatively planned to go out to lunch with Owl, OFL and The Boss, which should be fun as there will be liquids involved. ;) Guess that means I have to wear some makeup tomorrow, or at least bring enough to make me look decent for lunch. Promised K I would buy her lunch (and probably at least one drink also).
I think the MC is going to look much, much better when we're done. It's already a lot lighter and brighter, so I'm glad I did the bullheaded act to get this done.
The Boy had a great time with his favorite blonde today, and is very much looking forward to spending the day with her tomorrow also. K and I got all the spaces primed today, and tomorrow we do a finish coat (hopefully one will do). We've tentatively planned to go out to lunch with Owl, OFL and The Boss, which should be fun as there will be liquids involved. ;) Guess that means I have to wear some makeup tomorrow, or at least bring enough to make me look decent for lunch. Promised K I would buy her lunch (and probably at least one drink also).
I think the MC is going to look much, much better when we're done. It's already a lot lighter and brighter, so I'm glad I did the bullheaded act to get this done.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Vacation's FINALLY here
Vacation ... should bring palm fronds, steel drum music and those cute little umbrella drinks that get you slobberknockered in a hurry. Alas, it's not to be. I think the closest I will get to that is the 4-D SpongeBob experience at the Maritime Center's IMAX theater.
I have The Boy's favorite blonde bombshell coming for two days, and I'll be putting a coat on the more ridiculous parts of the MC those days. Other than that, I think I might take him into the city on Friday, maybe go to a museum or do something else fun for him. Took him to see Bridge to Terabithia Saturday, and we both liked it. We're now reading the book.
We finally have both kids healthy again, after the hat trick of colds/viruses that stampeded through our house over the course of the last 10 days or so. Not fun -- The Drama Queen still wasn't feeling well this morning, but was doing much better after naptime today... much more her usual self.
Got my book reviews up to date, and have gotten the pile knocked down a bit. I've also been mulling over the summer reading nonsense, and still haven't quite decided what to do.
FIL is in St Maarten with GF, UJ, the Don and AD. We will apparently be going to a wedding over Memorial Day weekend for the Don's son and his longtime girlfriend/fiancee who is expecting unexpectedly. Glad we're not in St. Maarten to hear about all that. It really doesn't bother me much -- they have been together so long that I figured we would have a wedding and babies from those two anyway. Seems to me they just are a tad out of order for the moment. It's a bit hard to take for the Don, I think, as he is pretty traditional (thus the nickname).
I have The Boy's favorite blonde bombshell coming for two days, and I'll be putting a coat on the more ridiculous parts of the MC those days. Other than that, I think I might take him into the city on Friday, maybe go to a museum or do something else fun for him. Took him to see Bridge to Terabithia Saturday, and we both liked it. We're now reading the book.
We finally have both kids healthy again, after the hat trick of colds/viruses that stampeded through our house over the course of the last 10 days or so. Not fun -- The Drama Queen still wasn't feeling well this morning, but was doing much better after naptime today... much more her usual self.
Got my book reviews up to date, and have gotten the pile knocked down a bit. I've also been mulling over the summer reading nonsense, and still haven't quite decided what to do.
FIL is in St Maarten with GF, UJ, the Don and AD. We will apparently be going to a wedding over Memorial Day weekend for the Don's son and his longtime girlfriend/fiancee who is expecting unexpectedly. Glad we're not in St. Maarten to hear about all that. It really doesn't bother me much -- they have been together so long that I figured we would have a wedding and babies from those two anyway. Seems to me they just are a tad out of order for the moment. It's a bit hard to take for the Don, I think, as he is pretty traditional (thus the nickname).
Saturday, February 10, 2007
random annoyances, or same shit different day
I have been researching summer reading websites in hopes that I could find something inspiring, new and cool to get me up and rolling since I now have to completely redesign the district SR webpages. I have been sorely disappointed so far. Every site I have come upon is deadly dull, and some are so poorly designed I didn't want to look any further than the front page. Many of them that were mashed into district sites used pdfs heavily, and there was no real way to search easily for the info you needed. Lots of unecessary scrolling on some also. The district-mashed sites were as a whole far deadlier than the whole-page sites ... and that's saying something IMHO. I did find an experimental summer reading book blog in Washington state that looked like a cool possibility. Have to bring up with CR.
Questions to resolve: how to make it more interactive, what do kids expect to get out of it, what do parents need to get out of it, how to design for the needs given the page limitations I have to deal with (since I now have to cram all this into a much narrower space and design it around the district frame, colors and backdrop).
I am pretty pissed that I have to do this all over again since I think the original site worked quite well for everyone, and was at least interesting to look at while you found what you needed. An once again I don't get credit for doing this, either through getting paid for my time or getting credit towards my ceu requirements. I should have another conversation with CR about that.
Eeyore blew off one of our teachers, and when reminded of what she had agreed to do, replied "Oh well." Twice. Aside from being beyond unprofessional, this is the kind of nonsense that will make staff see us as unreliable, unfriendly and unnecessary -- exactly what we are supposed to be working to remedy in terms of climate. Have no idea whether I am supposed to address that directly or not. There has also been some creative avoidance of the division directive from CR, and that's irritating.
On the good side, I ordered the chairs for the MC after doing the dumb blonde act over the phone for Calca downtown and getting the play-by-play of exactly what to have as documentation of the purchase for reimbursement. Those should come in a few weeks. Got an estimate from Home Depot for rug options (about $4500). Went table hunting with my drama queen, and she behaved quite well. Found some excellent possibilities for tables for the MC, some quite inexpensive at the Lillian August warehouse. Got the manager's name and will call her to discuss tax-exempt option and how to work check from school. Getting Eeyore to go see any of this will be difficult at best I think, which will lead to another I do it and she bitches situation. In her own words, "Oh well."
Fixed what was a major issue in one of our departments, which Owl had ignored according to the other staff involved. Very odd. Finishing the fix will take some parts and pieces ordering, but that shouldn't be an issue.
Kanga's been a little bent lately, mostly over Tigger issues (all valid, will eventually go away but are quite annoying and sometimes patently unfair). Have to bring up with AOFL to see if resolution is a possibility for any of them. This should be interesting this week as K will be out sick for most if not all of this week, so we'll see if T can get her act together enough to be reasonably reliable.
Questions to resolve: how to make it more interactive, what do kids expect to get out of it, what do parents need to get out of it, how to design for the needs given the page limitations I have to deal with (since I now have to cram all this into a much narrower space and design it around the district frame, colors and backdrop).
I am pretty pissed that I have to do this all over again since I think the original site worked quite well for everyone, and was at least interesting to look at while you found what you needed. An once again I don't get credit for doing this, either through getting paid for my time or getting credit towards my ceu requirements. I should have another conversation with CR about that.
Eeyore blew off one of our teachers, and when reminded of what she had agreed to do, replied "Oh well." Twice. Aside from being beyond unprofessional, this is the kind of nonsense that will make staff see us as unreliable, unfriendly and unnecessary -- exactly what we are supposed to be working to remedy in terms of climate. Have no idea whether I am supposed to address that directly or not. There has also been some creative avoidance of the division directive from CR, and that's irritating.
On the good side, I ordered the chairs for the MC after doing the dumb blonde act over the phone for Calca downtown and getting the play-by-play of exactly what to have as documentation of the purchase for reimbursement. Those should come in a few weeks. Got an estimate from Home Depot for rug options (about $4500). Went table hunting with my drama queen, and she behaved quite well. Found some excellent possibilities for tables for the MC, some quite inexpensive at the Lillian August warehouse. Got the manager's name and will call her to discuss tax-exempt option and how to work check from school. Getting Eeyore to go see any of this will be difficult at best I think, which will lead to another I do it and she bitches situation. In her own words, "Oh well."
Fixed what was a major issue in one of our departments, which Owl had ignored according to the other staff involved. Very odd. Finishing the fix will take some parts and pieces ordering, but that shouldn't be an issue.
Kanga's been a little bent lately, mostly over Tigger issues (all valid, will eventually go away but are quite annoying and sometimes patently unfair). Have to bring up with AOFL to see if resolution is a possibility for any of them. This should be interesting this week as K will be out sick for most if not all of this week, so we'll see if T can get her act together enough to be reasonably reliable.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Didja see the Mushroom Cloud??
Hell week #2 is officially over. I met with Christopher Robin Tuesday to discuss the issues we've been having at work, to see if she had any constructive suggestions or ways to restructure the place so I don't lose my mind. I explained a lot of things (some in as few details as possible). She had a few suggestions-- mostly along the lines of clear division of jobs and responsibilities so it would be clear not just to us in the midst of the bullshit but also to everyone else who was supposed to be doing what, and what was and was not getting done. She also said that one of us has to be the official department head, and that it makes more sense for me to have that job since I have more experience and can actually make a decision. I told her that announcement has to come from her or OFL -- there is no way I 'm dropping that bomb too. I also have the job of redoing the summer reading website (and thus I am not volunteering for one more damn thing at the district level). That needs to get done in about the next two months. No jury duty for Wed. (don't know how I missed that bullet, but I'm happy my name was on the "don't come in" message on their answering machine) so I went in to work.
Wednesday was Mushroom Cloud Day. Sat down with Eeyore to discuss several things (furniture, the 8th grade website business, and then the safe and the money). It did not go well. The first part was fine (read: the non-controversial stuff). When we got to the safe and I told her very calmly and quietly that I didn't care who had the combination or control over the money, but if she had it, I didn't want it because I didn't want to be held responsible unless I was actually completely responsible. I said flat out -- "If you don't want that responsibility, I'll take it, but I'm not sharing it. You decide what you'd like, and it'll be fine with me either way." She blew a gasket and told me she didn't see why we couldn't both have it, so I explained that her reactions to the bookfair nightmare were the solid reason behind my decision -- I was not willing to be responsible for something over which I had less than complete control anymore. I kept reiterating that I did not care if she wanted to have the responsibility; she could have it, but at that point I would refuse to take responsibility for any of it. She started yelling at that point, starting with "So you don't trust me?" to which I responded, "It's no longer a matter of trust. You refused to take responsibility for the bookfair mess with me, and you hung me out to dry. I'm no longer willing to risk my job in the least over this." She kept announcing she had no idea what I was talking about over and over again, and I finally quit repeating her exact words from the previous two conversations back to her -- just said "I explained what you said three times. I think that's enough." When she asked why I was doing this now, I told her I was tired and I felt overwhelmed and overworked sometimes, and that I needed help. She immediately twisted that into "You don't think I work? You don't think I do enough? I don't do my job?" It didn't matter how many times I said "I didn't say that. You said that." She was yelling loud enough for Kanga and Owl to hear her all the way across the media center at that point (and also all the staff and students who were in there also). It was more than embarrassing. She started yelling that she'd "take the web" -- as if that wasn't supposed to be something she should be doing already anyway. Her last attempt at a cut toward me was "I thought this was supposed to be a partnership." My immediate response to her was a calm, eye-to-eye "I thought so too." That seemed to shut her up for a few seconds, and then she darted off announcing she had lunch duty. After she grabbed her coat, she stopped and yelled at me one last time, "You just take the safe and the money. You want it you can just have it since the safe was your idea anyway."
I sat through the fallout for about 20 minutes, ate Tums for lunch, and told Kanga I was all right when she came over to ask quietly how I was. I sent OFL a very short email that said we had had the conversation, it did not go well, and that she had blown a gasket. He came up about an hour later into my class, and sat down to ask me "What is her fucking problem?" I gave a very brief explanation of what had happened and we left it at that. I stopped in later to tell him that CR was coming and we were supposed to divide responsibilities together. His response was "You have to have her to do THAT?" I said yes -- at least right now. I keep telling him I am trying to make this work. How long? I don't know.
Thursday CR came to do a formal eval on Eeyore, who was apparently nervous enough about this to not only ask me repeatedly if she should do a particular lesson, but also to have the aide NOT bring the seriously retarded girl to class that day. That pissed me off. Anyway, afterward, CR weenied out on helping us divide our responsibilities, and left it as we should do it ourselves and let her know. I talked with Eeyore later and suggested we look at several ways to divide and conquer -- possibly by grade level and or subject for the curricular areas. The reality is that she's going to have to pick up more of the day to day if I have to be responsible for the budget and all that other nonsense. That ought to be another fun nuclear discussion.
Friday was staff development, otherwise known as "been there done that" day. Other than a few tricks, the day was pretty much spent looking at things we'd seen before and talked over ad nauseum. We did decide that the research process needs to be standardized k-12, so that the same ideas and vocabulary get used throughout. The elementary schools are our weak link, as they do a hodgepodge of whatever they like. Eeyore volunteered immediately for the committee, along with the Hobbit and the Mole. I refused to say anything -- I have enough on my plate.
The other piece that came out of yesterday was that CR said I now have to talk to Calca downtown about using the bookfair money to buy furniture for the new reading area for the media center, since the district can now see our account online(thanks to Eeyore for being so stubbornly recalcitrant on spending the money before now). Hopefully the conversation can end with a yes from him and I won't have to take this to the White Witch. Don't know if I should add in the digital slr camera to that conversation also.
Sigh. I am so damn glad this week is over. Unfortunately, the difficult pieces aren't finished yet, so this soap opera bullshit is going to continue for a while.
Wednesday was Mushroom Cloud Day. Sat down with Eeyore to discuss several things (furniture, the 8th grade website business, and then the safe and the money). It did not go well. The first part was fine (read: the non-controversial stuff). When we got to the safe and I told her very calmly and quietly that I didn't care who had the combination or control over the money, but if she had it, I didn't want it because I didn't want to be held responsible unless I was actually completely responsible. I said flat out -- "If you don't want that responsibility, I'll take it, but I'm not sharing it. You decide what you'd like, and it'll be fine with me either way." She blew a gasket and told me she didn't see why we couldn't both have it, so I explained that her reactions to the bookfair nightmare were the solid reason behind my decision -- I was not willing to be responsible for something over which I had less than complete control anymore. I kept reiterating that I did not care if she wanted to have the responsibility; she could have it, but at that point I would refuse to take responsibility for any of it. She started yelling at that point, starting with "So you don't trust me?" to which I responded, "It's no longer a matter of trust. You refused to take responsibility for the bookfair mess with me, and you hung me out to dry. I'm no longer willing to risk my job in the least over this." She kept announcing she had no idea what I was talking about over and over again, and I finally quit repeating her exact words from the previous two conversations back to her -- just said "I explained what you said three times. I think that's enough." When she asked why I was doing this now, I told her I was tired and I felt overwhelmed and overworked sometimes, and that I needed help. She immediately twisted that into "You don't think I work? You don't think I do enough? I don't do my job?" It didn't matter how many times I said "I didn't say that. You said that." She was yelling loud enough for Kanga and Owl to hear her all the way across the media center at that point (and also all the staff and students who were in there also). It was more than embarrassing. She started yelling that she'd "take the web" -- as if that wasn't supposed to be something she should be doing already anyway. Her last attempt at a cut toward me was "I thought this was supposed to be a partnership." My immediate response to her was a calm, eye-to-eye "I thought so too." That seemed to shut her up for a few seconds, and then she darted off announcing she had lunch duty. After she grabbed her coat, she stopped and yelled at me one last time, "You just take the safe and the money. You want it you can just have it since the safe was your idea anyway."
I sat through the fallout for about 20 minutes, ate Tums for lunch, and told Kanga I was all right when she came over to ask quietly how I was. I sent OFL a very short email that said we had had the conversation, it did not go well, and that she had blown a gasket. He came up about an hour later into my class, and sat down to ask me "What is her fucking problem?" I gave a very brief explanation of what had happened and we left it at that. I stopped in later to tell him that CR was coming and we were supposed to divide responsibilities together. His response was "You have to have her to do THAT?" I said yes -- at least right now. I keep telling him I am trying to make this work. How long? I don't know.
Thursday CR came to do a formal eval on Eeyore, who was apparently nervous enough about this to not only ask me repeatedly if she should do a particular lesson, but also to have the aide NOT bring the seriously retarded girl to class that day. That pissed me off. Anyway, afterward, CR weenied out on helping us divide our responsibilities, and left it as we should do it ourselves and let her know. I talked with Eeyore later and suggested we look at several ways to divide and conquer -- possibly by grade level and or subject for the curricular areas. The reality is that she's going to have to pick up more of the day to day if I have to be responsible for the budget and all that other nonsense. That ought to be another fun nuclear discussion.
Friday was staff development, otherwise known as "been there done that" day. Other than a few tricks, the day was pretty much spent looking at things we'd seen before and talked over ad nauseum. We did decide that the research process needs to be standardized k-12, so that the same ideas and vocabulary get used throughout. The elementary schools are our weak link, as they do a hodgepodge of whatever they like. Eeyore volunteered immediately for the committee, along with the Hobbit and the Mole. I refused to say anything -- I have enough on my plate.
The other piece that came out of yesterday was that CR said I now have to talk to Calca downtown about using the bookfair money to buy furniture for the new reading area for the media center, since the district can now see our account online(thanks to Eeyore for being so stubbornly recalcitrant on spending the money before now). Hopefully the conversation can end with a yes from him and I won't have to take this to the White Witch. Don't know if I should add in the digital slr camera to that conversation also.
Sigh. I am so damn glad this week is over. Unfortunately, the difficult pieces aren't finished yet, so this soap opera bullshit is going to continue for a while.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
What Day Is It Again?
I've gone from a few hell days to a full blown hell week. It's musical time at school, so the kids are wacky, the staff is stressed, and it's also time to post grades and start new classes. OFL brought Frankenstein up for a look-see as to what we need to have done (get rid of the nasty carpet, tile the floors, repaint, etc) in the media center ... except we got told that the district's facilities and maintenance budget has basically been gutted down to roofs and boilers only, with the $2 million going for "closing the gap." So no new floor tiles or paint for us AGAIN. I got pissed, and they both knew it. I didn't get ugly with them but I let them know that this was an absolute sin -- our media center is a dump, and our kids and our staff deserve better. I told OFL "You better plan to take me out for a drink after THIS."
Frankenstein did feel badly about it -- he did agree to demolish the back half of our circ desk and made sure that the work order to move and remove the last of the shelving got done. Eeyore's response to this was, "Oh well. That's too bad." Again -- not her responsibility, and absolutely no thought of "well, given our situation, what CAN we do to improve the physical facility for the kids and staff?" She seemed truly amazed that I could think that way. I started brainstorming immediately -- what projects could be tackled for the least cash and the most bang for the buck? The end result was that Kanga and I decided that she and I would attempt painting over the weird lavender strip on the wall, and the giant blue oval sitting over the circ desk during February vacation. Eeyore's reaction was "I don't see why you would do that." I told her why -- I want to do something to make this place LOOK nicer for the kids. It's not that fucking hard to figure out... except maybe if you're her. I emailed OFL with all of the suggestons, he okayed things, and is going to attempt to get us some paint and order area rugs over the summer. We'll see. I duct-taped about 18 feet of ripped carpet. That was Monday.
Then we have Tuesday morning. I walked in, greeted the Language Arts meeting that was going on in the MCI room (lots of teachers I know), opened the door to the media center, and was confronted by a very irritated-looking OFL, who had a crew of 7 Facilities guys behind him. "She doesn't know where the shelves are going ... FIX THIS." He walked out with smoke coming out his ears. Apparently Eeyore was there solo, and the crew came up to complete the work order before I got there. She apparently was unable to tell them which shelves were being moved, and which were being tossed (a conversation we had had probably eighteen times over the last 2-3 months). OFL came up, and she interrupted the conversation with him to check out books to kids and direct them and ask for passes. He was less than pleased -- not only because she had no clue and the guys were twiddling their thumbs, but because she was ignoring him and couldn't seem to be capable of telling the kids they would have to wait a few minutes. I know all this because I got called down to his office after the crew finished what they had to do.
Long story short -- they tossed what we asked them to toss, and they moved the giant shelving unit over in front of 217's windows. Big improvement overall -- not only do we have more and better display space, but we've now freed up the back area for the new reading furniture.
The LA meeting kept having tech difficulties, so I spent the majority of my day troubleshooting and getting interrupted.
Today, I had my new classes (mostly good, looks like 3 serious sped and 4 fazools in 7th period). Got grades done except for one weird twitch that guidance will have to solve. Eeyore came to me as I was putting my kids into the typing program and announced that she'd brought in her laptop and she definitely had dreamweaver on it (hurray, we've only been waiting since November for this). She started talking about the 8th grade index page that she hasn't started yet, and said she thought I should make my own. I told her no, she had agreed to do it, and she could organize it any way she saw fit. I told her as soon as she had the page setup done, I'd give her the typed lists of kids' names and topics, and when she was ready she could have my flash drive with all the files to link. She wanted me to contact BottleBrush downtown and review uploading directions, but I told her I wasn't going to do that until we were ready to upload something -- no point in asking for the directions again and then waiting a couple more weeks (cough cough) to try and upload when it's not fresh in your mind. She seemed to agree with that. She asked me to do my own page again, and I told her no, that was her project. Who KNOWS when she will actually get started with this. While I was in with my classes, our new reading spc. came up to look at the cart of books for her booktalk, and Eeyore decided to look over the books with her. What she didn't know was that only one side of the cart was for that booktalk -- I had pulled the other side for my lovely neighbor's classes. SO... Eeyore decided to take books off my cart without consulting me ... which means I now have more to do tomorrow.
Our intrepid J down in the office gave me the updated printout of our account so we know how much we can spend on furniture. Aunty M in Boston is working on good options for us. Eeyore agreed to schedule a field trip to Home Depot to investigate rug possibilities 2/5. I duct-taped another 15 feet or so of ripped carpet today. The safe arrived today. That should be a fun conversation tomorrow. SSChief2B asked me to go to Washington with the 8th graders the week of May 1, Tues-Fri. SM should be able to pull that off. He has been amazingly supportive since I came home talking about the bookfair issues. Hope that continues.
OFL dumped one more thing on my plate today -- a semi-retired resident who has written a YA novel (unpublished, still in manuscript form) and wants feedback. I got it today, she'll be in VT until Sunday, and I promised I would call her on Monday. Thank you sir may I have another. Actually, it could be good -- I don't know, it's just been such a jampacked week so far that I think I don't quite have the patience. I have a to-do list on my desk a mile long for the next two days. I think I need to go hide.
Frankenstein did feel badly about it -- he did agree to demolish the back half of our circ desk and made sure that the work order to move and remove the last of the shelving got done. Eeyore's response to this was, "Oh well. That's too bad." Again -- not her responsibility, and absolutely no thought of "well, given our situation, what CAN we do to improve the physical facility for the kids and staff?" She seemed truly amazed that I could think that way. I started brainstorming immediately -- what projects could be tackled for the least cash and the most bang for the buck? The end result was that Kanga and I decided that she and I would attempt painting over the weird lavender strip on the wall, and the giant blue oval sitting over the circ desk during February vacation. Eeyore's reaction was "I don't see why you would do that." I told her why -- I want to do something to make this place LOOK nicer for the kids. It's not that fucking hard to figure out... except maybe if you're her. I emailed OFL with all of the suggestons, he okayed things, and is going to attempt to get us some paint and order area rugs over the summer. We'll see. I duct-taped about 18 feet of ripped carpet. That was Monday.
Then we have Tuesday morning. I walked in, greeted the Language Arts meeting that was going on in the MCI room (lots of teachers I know), opened the door to the media center, and was confronted by a very irritated-looking OFL, who had a crew of 7 Facilities guys behind him. "She doesn't know where the shelves are going ... FIX THIS." He walked out with smoke coming out his ears. Apparently Eeyore was there solo, and the crew came up to complete the work order before I got there. She apparently was unable to tell them which shelves were being moved, and which were being tossed (a conversation we had had probably eighteen times over the last 2-3 months). OFL came up, and she interrupted the conversation with him to check out books to kids and direct them and ask for passes. He was less than pleased -- not only because she had no clue and the guys were twiddling their thumbs, but because she was ignoring him and couldn't seem to be capable of telling the kids they would have to wait a few minutes. I know all this because I got called down to his office after the crew finished what they had to do.
Long story short -- they tossed what we asked them to toss, and they moved the giant shelving unit over in front of 217's windows. Big improvement overall -- not only do we have more and better display space, but we've now freed up the back area for the new reading furniture.
The LA meeting kept having tech difficulties, so I spent the majority of my day troubleshooting and getting interrupted.
Today, I had my new classes (mostly good, looks like 3 serious sped and 4 fazools in 7th period). Got grades done except for one weird twitch that guidance will have to solve. Eeyore came to me as I was putting my kids into the typing program and announced that she'd brought in her laptop and she definitely had dreamweaver on it (hurray, we've only been waiting since November for this). She started talking about the 8th grade index page that she hasn't started yet, and said she thought I should make my own. I told her no, she had agreed to do it, and she could organize it any way she saw fit. I told her as soon as she had the page setup done, I'd give her the typed lists of kids' names and topics, and when she was ready she could have my flash drive with all the files to link. She wanted me to contact BottleBrush downtown and review uploading directions, but I told her I wasn't going to do that until we were ready to upload something -- no point in asking for the directions again and then waiting a couple more weeks (cough cough) to try and upload when it's not fresh in your mind. She seemed to agree with that. She asked me to do my own page again, and I told her no, that was her project. Who KNOWS when she will actually get started with this. While I was in with my classes, our new reading spc. came up to look at the cart of books for her booktalk, and Eeyore decided to look over the books with her. What she didn't know was that only one side of the cart was for that booktalk -- I had pulled the other side for my lovely neighbor's classes. SO... Eeyore decided to take books off my cart without consulting me ... which means I now have more to do tomorrow.
Our intrepid J down in the office gave me the updated printout of our account so we know how much we can spend on furniture. Aunty M in Boston is working on good options for us. Eeyore agreed to schedule a field trip to Home Depot to investigate rug possibilities 2/5. I duct-taped another 15 feet or so of ripped carpet today. The safe arrived today. That should be a fun conversation tomorrow. SSChief2B asked me to go to Washington with the 8th graders the week of May 1, Tues-Fri. SM should be able to pull that off. He has been amazingly supportive since I came home talking about the bookfair issues. Hope that continues.
OFL dumped one more thing on my plate today -- a semi-retired resident who has written a YA novel (unpublished, still in manuscript form) and wants feedback. I got it today, she'll be in VT until Sunday, and I promised I would call her on Monday. Thank you sir may I have another. Actually, it could be good -- I don't know, it's just been such a jampacked week so far that I think I don't quite have the patience. I have a to-do list on my desk a mile long for the next two days. I think I need to go hide.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
OFL Redux
Yesterday was busy as hell. Eeyore and I never got to say two words to each other -- one or both of us were busy every single period of the day. So, the guilt trip conversation didn't happen, and won't today either -- have to wait until tomorrow since I am out on my scheduled comp day today. She left early to go to the PLP session at the high school (the one she announced she was not prepared for the other day) so of course the inventory got put off -- again.
I got a couple emails from Jenny over at Just Books, and it looks like we can host one of the authors she has coming. I went down to check the schedule for the dates on her list, and OFL called me into his office when he saw me walk into the main office at 3:30.
The first thing he said "Now I know what you're talking about with her." Eeyore came in to see him at some point during the day to ask him to sign her personal day form. She wanted to take her personal day the day before Feb. vacation because she had scheduled flights out of town for that day. He told her personnel would never approve that because it was to extend a vacation, and that it wasn't going to happen. She kept asking him what to do, what to do, and he said he knew she was fishing for him to tell her to call in sick that day. He said he kept putting it back on her "I can't tell you what to do - you have to decide what to do. This is up to you." She apparently turned to walk out, he went back to whatever paperwork was on his desk, and she turned around, came right back in, and started the same conversation over again. As if the answer was somehow going to be different!
After he told the story, I looked at him and said, "So I'm not crazy!" He chuckled, and said, "No, never thought that, but now I know what you're dealing with up there." I told him that she had (as far as I could tell when I was passing by) been doing well helping the 7th grade classes with a lesson on using the online works consulted generator today -- there are some things that she is perfectly capable of handling. His response was "That's nice, but we have a lot more going on than that, and we need people who can handle things. I need you to be happy up there -- you work hard, you've done a great job getting things in shape, and I don't want you thinking that Central looks a whole lot better than this." It's nice to know that someone recognizes the amount of effort I've been putting into the place. He asked if I knew if anything was wrong at home for her, and I said she really avoided talking about home most of the time, so I had no idea.
Basically, I have to send her a specific email asking her to get the index page done for the kids' websites. If it's not done soon, then I should send another email asking for the same thing, and copy Asst OFL Who Works. That's kind of dropping the hammer hard, but he said I need to start a paper trail with this, and AOFLWW is her evaluator (and mine). He thinks eventually we will have to have a meeting to ask her why she isn't doing what she should be doing. Frankly, by that point, I doubt I'll have to say a word if there's a paper trail of things she hasn't done -- and the way she reacts under the least pressure, she'll hang herself in six minutes or less.
Honestly, at this point, I'm seriously hoping that I get asked to go to Washington with the 8th grade this spring. Any chance I have to get out of there will be a good thing.
Today I'm planning to go to the hardware store for a couple things, and then come home and read all day. I had some books here, and I brought home a big stash so I'd have choices. The 4th Traveling Pants is first in line!
I got a couple emails from Jenny over at Just Books, and it looks like we can host one of the authors she has coming. I went down to check the schedule for the dates on her list, and OFL called me into his office when he saw me walk into the main office at 3:30.
The first thing he said "Now I know what you're talking about with her." Eeyore came in to see him at some point during the day to ask him to sign her personal day form. She wanted to take her personal day the day before Feb. vacation because she had scheduled flights out of town for that day. He told her personnel would never approve that because it was to extend a vacation, and that it wasn't going to happen. She kept asking him what to do, what to do, and he said he knew she was fishing for him to tell her to call in sick that day. He said he kept putting it back on her "I can't tell you what to do - you have to decide what to do. This is up to you." She apparently turned to walk out, he went back to whatever paperwork was on his desk, and she turned around, came right back in, and started the same conversation over again. As if the answer was somehow going to be different!
After he told the story, I looked at him and said, "So I'm not crazy!" He chuckled, and said, "No, never thought that, but now I know what you're dealing with up there." I told him that she had (as far as I could tell when I was passing by) been doing well helping the 7th grade classes with a lesson on using the online works consulted generator today -- there are some things that she is perfectly capable of handling. His response was "That's nice, but we have a lot more going on than that, and we need people who can handle things. I need you to be happy up there -- you work hard, you've done a great job getting things in shape, and I don't want you thinking that Central looks a whole lot better than this." It's nice to know that someone recognizes the amount of effort I've been putting into the place. He asked if I knew if anything was wrong at home for her, and I said she really avoided talking about home most of the time, so I had no idea.
Basically, I have to send her a specific email asking her to get the index page done for the kids' websites. If it's not done soon, then I should send another email asking for the same thing, and copy Asst OFL Who Works. That's kind of dropping the hammer hard, but he said I need to start a paper trail with this, and AOFLWW is her evaluator (and mine). He thinks eventually we will have to have a meeting to ask her why she isn't doing what she should be doing. Frankly, by that point, I doubt I'll have to say a word if there's a paper trail of things she hasn't done -- and the way she reacts under the least pressure, she'll hang herself in six minutes or less.
Honestly, at this point, I'm seriously hoping that I get asked to go to Washington with the 8th grade this spring. Any chance I have to get out of there will be a good thing.
Today I'm planning to go to the hardware store for a couple things, and then come home and read all day. I had some books here, and I brought home a big stash so I'd have choices. The 4th Traveling Pants is first in line!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
An Answer That's No Answer At All
Today was very good on some fronts. My friend Mary, who is working on her masters in instructional technology plus media specialist degrees at Fairfield Univ started a 15 week internship with us today. She has done some really interesting grad school projects (including matching up GPS curriculum standards with appropriate current reference books), so I am really looking forward to having her with us. I need to get her times to go over to CMS and WMS to look at their facilities, definitely watch the Hobbit in action in booktalks and maybe storytelling if that falls on the right days, and maybe go watch the Fisherman teach a couple classes to get a sense of how things are similiar/different in different schools. Definitely have to introduce her to Christopher Robin downtown too. Mary will be done a year from now, so there may well be opportunities coming up -- the Hobbit will be retiring about then.
Mary's son Jackson was in Jake's preschool class, and he's big on the Pokemon nonsense too, so we definitely have to get the boys together for a couple playdates.
Went and spent 45 minutes in OFL's office this afternoon to talk over options of what to do about the Eeyore situation. As the title says, it was the answer that wasn't an answer. I told him about the conversation we had, that it was disturbing to me, and that I wasn't sure how I was supposed to work as a partner with someone that I really felt I couldn't trust (in terms of not hesitating in the least before throwing my ass under the bus). He seemed pretty shocked by that. She blew me off again this afternoon for the inventory we both agreed needed doing -- Friday it was the playdate, today it was some nebulous "appointment". She left at 2:45. She did arrive early today to cover the AM shift because Kanga was out for a comp day, but I had told her Friday we REALLY needed to do the inventory today if she wasn't staying to do it Friday. I know she has a reading PLP tomorrow, for which she has not read the book (announced that today with the usual "oh well, someone else will have read it" attitude). I am sure that will preclude her doing anything requiring responsibility once again. I told him she had found three checks from staff for bookfair, told me that they were in the drawer first thing this morning, but had not bothered to bring them down to Joan herself for deposit. I had asked Joan if she'd come down with anything, and the answer was no. I suspect Eeyore doesn't want her name on any deposits.
OFL thought that I should continue to try to make things work as a partnership, starting with a guilt trip tomorrow about how she blew me off two afternoons running to do something we'd both agreed was necessary and we should do together, and how if this is a real partnership then she has to pick up her end of the stick and get a move on. Beyond that I am supposed to keep track of what she actually does (shades of Cynthia) and what I do. This should be a lot of fucking fun. He told me I am a "big personality" and maybe she thinks she is overshadowed by me, so maybe I should be encouraging teachers to ask her to do things for them. I'm honestly not sure who to ask -- I have teachers who have specifically said they do not want to deal with her. He did say that perhaps she might be better suited at a more limited level (read: different level school), but that we should make every effort to work this out.
If that doesn't work --well, I asked him to think about how what the line in the sand was going to be ... how much is too much. I hope we don't go there, but after what the Good Doctor put me through at CMS, I need him to know I have limits as to what I will put up with. I don't know where the line in the sand is yet for me, but I know it's not too far off.
Weird tidbit of the day -- In college, OFL dated Eeyore's sister (a very successful school administrator now, who according to OFL receives rave reviews for everything she does). She never mentioned to him while they were dating that she even had a sister. Hmmmmmm. Anyone else think the shrinks would have a field day with this one????
Mary's son Jackson was in Jake's preschool class, and he's big on the Pokemon nonsense too, so we definitely have to get the boys together for a couple playdates.
Went and spent 45 minutes in OFL's office this afternoon to talk over options of what to do about the Eeyore situation. As the title says, it was the answer that wasn't an answer. I told him about the conversation we had, that it was disturbing to me, and that I wasn't sure how I was supposed to work as a partner with someone that I really felt I couldn't trust (in terms of not hesitating in the least before throwing my ass under the bus). He seemed pretty shocked by that. She blew me off again this afternoon for the inventory we both agreed needed doing -- Friday it was the playdate, today it was some nebulous "appointment". She left at 2:45. She did arrive early today to cover the AM shift because Kanga was out for a comp day, but I had told her Friday we REALLY needed to do the inventory today if she wasn't staying to do it Friday. I know she has a reading PLP tomorrow, for which she has not read the book (announced that today with the usual "oh well, someone else will have read it" attitude). I am sure that will preclude her doing anything requiring responsibility once again. I told him she had found three checks from staff for bookfair, told me that they were in the drawer first thing this morning, but had not bothered to bring them down to Joan herself for deposit. I had asked Joan if she'd come down with anything, and the answer was no. I suspect Eeyore doesn't want her name on any deposits.
OFL thought that I should continue to try to make things work as a partnership, starting with a guilt trip tomorrow about how she blew me off two afternoons running to do something we'd both agreed was necessary and we should do together, and how if this is a real partnership then she has to pick up her end of the stick and get a move on. Beyond that I am supposed to keep track of what she actually does (shades of Cynthia) and what I do. This should be a lot of fucking fun. He told me I am a "big personality" and maybe she thinks she is overshadowed by me, so maybe I should be encouraging teachers to ask her to do things for them. I'm honestly not sure who to ask -- I have teachers who have specifically said they do not want to deal with her. He did say that perhaps she might be better suited at a more limited level (read: different level school), but that we should make every effort to work this out.
If that doesn't work --well, I asked him to think about how what the line in the sand was going to be ... how much is too much. I hope we don't go there, but after what the Good Doctor put me through at CMS, I need him to know I have limits as to what I will put up with. I don't know where the line in the sand is yet for me, but I know it's not too far off.
Weird tidbit of the day -- In college, OFL dated Eeyore's sister (a very successful school administrator now, who according to OFL receives rave reviews for everything she does). She never mentioned to him while they were dating that she even had a sister. Hmmmmmm. Anyone else think the shrinks would have a field day with this one????
Friday, January 12, 2007
Equal Partnership My Ass: A Really Long Bitch
How do you deal with the knowledge that a colleague would sell you out in a heartbeat? I have to figure out the answer to this one, and damned soon, so I can manage to keep doing my job in a professional manner.
When I took this job, the discussion I had with my dear friend and now downtown boss was that the job parameters were slightly altered: instead of one "head" position and one junior position, the two media specialists were to be as equal partners as we could manage, splitting duties as practically as possible and sharing responsibilities. The discussions I had with Eeyore led me to believe this was a workable situation where we could ebb and flow whatever we had to do and attempt to balance work life with the needs of our young families. Sounds good, right? I thought so.
And then we have the truth, or what nobody really told me.
That fantasy of a workable situation was dependent on both of us being willing and capable of making decisions and actually acting upon them to effect the changes in the media center that we had discussed and agreed were in the best interests of the students and staff. That doesn't happen. Read: I would have to set her ass on fire to get her to 1. decide to sit down and 2. then DO IT.
The building administrators were apparently not let in on the idea that the media specialist jobs would be on equal footing, not "head" and "junior". Since I replaced the "head" they automatically think of and have actually referred to me as the "head". I did try to correct that early on, but they looked at me like I was nuts and told me that was the job in this building. The jealousy factor that goes along with this is intense, and it seems to bother her even more that I really couldn't give two shits about being "head" in anyone's eyes. This seems exceptionally bizarre to me right now, given what happened this week. I've still been trying to make this work as a partnership even though it's like trying to nail Jello to a tree.
I was told early on by my predecessor that Eeyore had difficulty following through with anything other than teaching classes and showing up for lunch duty. Eeyore assured me that she wanted very much to do more but had been stymied by the imposing and controlling personality whom I replaced. I actually bought that. More fantasy.
In reality, if I need to make sure that something gets done I have got to do it myself. The staff will often refuse to deal with her because her performance is so poor. They have described her using the words "uninspiring", "learned helplessness", "dull" and "boring." I have had staff remove the signup schedules from the desk, come find me, and ask me to do booktalks or help them with something, but only if she is not involved. I have attempted to get her to participate in booktalks and do "tandem" ones where I do some books and she does some books, but that has been a raging disaster because she doesn't read. How the hell you can be a media specialist and not read at least a couple books a month I don't know. We're talking YA novels, not goddamn rocket science.
The last tandem booktalk we did was in November, three periods for one teacher's classes, and she refused to pull the cart with me, and then told me she didn't know any of the books. I asked her to add whatever she liked that she thought was appropriate, smiled and walked away. She refused to participate in the first two booktalks -- but she listened to what I booktalked and how I did it. I had to go into the lab to teach my class the period of the last booktalk, and the teacher came to me afterward and complained that she only talked briefly about the books she had heard me booktalk during the previous two periods. Aside from the lukewarm response from the class toward the books, the main problem was that there were few copies left of the ones I had talked about already, so the kids were left to rummage through the cart and try to figure out if anything else might interest them. The teacher was adamant that we should not do this again. When I was out sick, there were three booktalks she was forced to do on her own, and again it was a flaming disaster. I had scheduled them with the teacher just before vacation, and had planned to pull the cart the first day we were back to school. The cart was pulled not based on the teacher's requests but on an old list with the core book's title at the top, left by my predecessor. The titles were old, many not appropriate to the teacher's aims for the classes (both in terms of subjects that didn't match her requests and reading levels that were far too easy), and the few that Eeyore was apparently ready to booktalk were the sequels to the core novel that the students had not yet read -- and it is more than crucial to read those in order. It was utterly ridiculous. My substitutes all week did her lunch duties, other than the one every other day where the administrators have us doing lunch duty at the same time in different cafeterias. I got called at home to update the website for my principal, and when I logged on to do what he asked, I saw that she had made a mess of the front page by just copying and pasting straight from the daily email announcements without editing or condensing, or using pdf links for more extensive announcements. I'm home sick, loopy from the steroids and I have to do this????
Eeyore came in on Monday and brought a teakettle from home -- told me that our aide, whose kitchen is now completely demolished, took the electric teapot (which was hers) home so she could boil water. Eeyore told me that the kettle had been a wedding present, and that she had never used it (it was in the box -- a basic copper-bottom Revereware kettle ... for the stove). I didn't say anything about it, and thought it was a little odd. She proceeded to wash the kettle, leave it on the counter, and then about 20 minutes later announced "Oh! This isn't an electric one!" I was at my desk and couldn't see her behind the circ desk back wall, so I have no idea what finally tipped her off. This is someone who is supposed to be a technology resource for the staff??
Since the beginning she has been insisting that we both had to do things and both make decisions. This has consistently been unworkable. We discussed weeding the collection over the summer before the previous school year finished, and she told me she wasn't going to come in to do any work at all over the summer -- she needed to clean her closets at home. I told her the exact dates I was planning to weed, since I had two weeks of both my little guy in camp and Sadie in daycare four days a week, and I told her if she wanted to join me or come drop in at any point she was more than welcome, and she said that was great idea and that it was nice that I was willing to do that since she wasn't. I weeded over 4,000 ancient and decrepit books over a course of about four weeks (did some therapeutic "get something done" time when my parents arrived and my mother-in-law was at the end). When I told her what I had accomplished in a phone call (which was originally to tell her I was taking the first two days of the school year off for bereavement since my mother-in-law had just died), she sounded miffed and ended the conversation. She called back ten minutes later and screamed at me and told me off for doing it. Her exact words were "It's not YOUR library!" WhaFuck? My response was to tell her "We discussed this in June. You knew what I was going to do, you knew when I would be there to do it, and you chose not to participate or even drop by to see how or what I was doing. We made the decision, I chose to follow it and you chose not to help." She kept repeating "What makes you think you can just come in and do that? It's not your library!" (Like I'm some janitor who would rather throw out the books than dust the shelves???) I think I repeated my response about five times. It took everything I had in me to keep my voice calm and professional. She ended in a huff, telling me that we had a major communication problem and we were going to have to deal with this as soon as I got back. When I got back to work, she mentioned that we had to discuss communication several times, but when I actually said "Fine, how about right now? We have time" she wouldn't actually talk about it -- just kept repeating that we have to communicate better.
Every single thing that anyone has asked me to learn to do or participate in (the webmaster duties, managing the website for the school, booktalks, workshops, meetings, consultations etc) Eeyore has gotten upset/miffed/huffy about: "Well why wasn't I asked to ...? You know this is supposed to be equal." However, by the same token, when I have made sure to include her immediately in discussions or requests, her response has been an unfailing, "Oh, you can do that. I really haven't done/read/whatever and you have." I have been telling her from the get-go that I DON'T CARE who people are asking to do things -- if she wants to do things, that's fine, but the bottom line is things have to get done. Looking back it's almost a paranoid-style response from her when she thinks I am somehow "getting" to do more than she is or that people ask me first and not her first, or don't make sure to ask us together or whatever. She pops up, usually starts off in a normal voice, but descends very quickly into a whiny-sounding harangue thaqt at this point I can't even listen to -- all I hear when she starts is "mememememememe". When I get asked to do something, I tell her about it as soon as is practical. I'm not interrupting her class or marching down to the caf to find her on lunch duty so that I can get her paranoid responses any faster.
We had a fairly serious difficulty just this week that required both of us to sit down and try to figure out what had gone awry. We decided that one of the solutions we would put in place now would be to purchase a small, relatively inexpensive combination safe. When the P.O. went down to the office, I was called down to explain the reasons why we needed such an item. This was during Eeyore's class. I decided to go down and be completely honest and take responsibility for what had occurred. I sat down with our fearless leader in his office to explain the situation in its entirety. When I sat down with him and explained the problem, the first thing I said after the explanation was "I'm responsible for this. I did things the way we have always done them, and trusted that it would be just fine. It wasn't." The discussion then went into all the possible variables, and the fact that there were so many major variables that there really was no viable solution. About that time, Eeyore walked in and said "Is this a meeting I should be at?" (As if I'm leaving her out on purpose) I told her that I was explaining our situation to our fearless leader, at which point she interrupted to announce that she had just brought down and deposited the exact amount of lost book monies we had collected since the beginning of school, and that she wasn't sure if the district could tell that we should have done that, but that she thought we should have the exact amounts recorded. This really wasn't what we were discussing, but I let it go because she was getting higher-pitched and more strident sounding. Then she said she had to go to lunch duty and left. OFL didn't quite know what to make of that. I left after telling him that I was planning to research different options and figure out some way to use the technology we have available to prevent the situation in the future. He was not pleased, but he was not angry with me. After I finished lunch duty, Eeyore found me near my desk, got close to me and said quietly, so what did you say to OFL? I told her that I gave him the facts, the variables, explained the problem, and that I told him I was responsible for this. The relief the came over her was palpable -- she actually thought that I was in there selling her out. The first thing out of her mouth was "Oh, GOOD!" I was aghast at her reaction and what she was continuing to say to me. She really thought I was in there dumping the blame on her. I couldn't even respond other than "WHAT?" The thought never entered into my mind to even consider doing such a thing... but apparently it did for her.
A later conversation with OFL made it clear that if the situation continued without change, all three of our jobs (his, mine and Eeyore's) were potentially in jeopardy as the district's expansion of some big brotherish software is coming sometime in the next few months. I made it very clear to him that I would not under any circumstance allow things to continue as is, and that I would ensure that this never, ever happened again. Again, he was very matter-of-fact with me, not angry. I believe that it was because I was thoroughly honest about things, answered all questions without hedging, and took immediate responsibility without being forced to do so. Though I believe Eeyore is an honest person, I cannot now say that she is capable of the latter two items in that last sentence. I decided to tell her what else OFL had said this afternoon once all the students had left, and her reaction was even worse than before. She actually said "I don't see why I should be held accountable -- I never had to deal with this before and I wasn't responsible for this at all." I said "We are both media specialists up here and we were both responsible for taking care of the situation." Her response was to just repeat that she didn't see any reasons why she should be accountable for any of it, it wasn't her fault, and why was I telling her this now anyway?
Damned if you communicate, damned if you don't. My junior high gym teacher, Mama Roe, used to holler at us "You cain't have yo' cake and eat it too!" I wish she'd show up and bellow that at Eeyore a few times. She had a great scaryass don'tfuckwithme voice.
Right now the one thing I know for certain is that I cannot depend upon her to be responsible for anything of consequence that I could also be held accountable for. I can't trust her. I don't know how to work with someone I truly do not trust. I've worked with people who were assholes, people I genuinely did not like, people who had major life situations that made them unreliable, but I cannot think of a single person I have ever worked with whom I distrusted this much. I do believe that if I had been teaching and she had been called down to explain, that she would have blamed it all on me. I don't believe that OFL would have necessarily bought that, but the idea that ducking all responsibility and assigning blame elsewhere would have very likely been her first response is pretty much a death blow to this "equality" business. After talking with my hubby, who was concerned enough about the situation to actually listen to me and try to help me sort out my options, I know that I need to discuss this with OFL as soon as practical next week (Tues, or Wed latest) and find way to make absolutely certain that my ass is convered and she has no possible options for any actions that would result in ME getting called on the carpet or worse.
And I return to my original question - how do I deal with knowing that she'd throw me under the bus without a second thought, and still manage some kind of professional/working relationship?
When I took this job, the discussion I had with my dear friend and now downtown boss was that the job parameters were slightly altered: instead of one "head" position and one junior position, the two media specialists were to be as equal partners as we could manage, splitting duties as practically as possible and sharing responsibilities. The discussions I had with Eeyore led me to believe this was a workable situation where we could ebb and flow whatever we had to do and attempt to balance work life with the needs of our young families. Sounds good, right? I thought so.
And then we have the truth, or what nobody really told me.
That fantasy of a workable situation was dependent on both of us being willing and capable of making decisions and actually acting upon them to effect the changes in the media center that we had discussed and agreed were in the best interests of the students and staff. That doesn't happen. Read: I would have to set her ass on fire to get her to 1. decide to sit down and 2. then DO IT.
The building administrators were apparently not let in on the idea that the media specialist jobs would be on equal footing, not "head" and "junior". Since I replaced the "head" they automatically think of and have actually referred to me as the "head". I did try to correct that early on, but they looked at me like I was nuts and told me that was the job in this building. The jealousy factor that goes along with this is intense, and it seems to bother her even more that I really couldn't give two shits about being "head" in anyone's eyes. This seems exceptionally bizarre to me right now, given what happened this week. I've still been trying to make this work as a partnership even though it's like trying to nail Jello to a tree.
I was told early on by my predecessor that Eeyore had difficulty following through with anything other than teaching classes and showing up for lunch duty. Eeyore assured me that she wanted very much to do more but had been stymied by the imposing and controlling personality whom I replaced. I actually bought that. More fantasy.
In reality, if I need to make sure that something gets done I have got to do it myself. The staff will often refuse to deal with her because her performance is so poor. They have described her using the words "uninspiring", "learned helplessness", "dull" and "boring." I have had staff remove the signup schedules from the desk, come find me, and ask me to do booktalks or help them with something, but only if she is not involved. I have attempted to get her to participate in booktalks and do "tandem" ones where I do some books and she does some books, but that has been a raging disaster because she doesn't read. How the hell you can be a media specialist and not read at least a couple books a month I don't know. We're talking YA novels, not goddamn rocket science.
The last tandem booktalk we did was in November, three periods for one teacher's classes, and she refused to pull the cart with me, and then told me she didn't know any of the books. I asked her to add whatever she liked that she thought was appropriate, smiled and walked away. She refused to participate in the first two booktalks -- but she listened to what I booktalked and how I did it. I had to go into the lab to teach my class the period of the last booktalk, and the teacher came to me afterward and complained that she only talked briefly about the books she had heard me booktalk during the previous two periods. Aside from the lukewarm response from the class toward the books, the main problem was that there were few copies left of the ones I had talked about already, so the kids were left to rummage through the cart and try to figure out if anything else might interest them. The teacher was adamant that we should not do this again. When I was out sick, there were three booktalks she was forced to do on her own, and again it was a flaming disaster. I had scheduled them with the teacher just before vacation, and had planned to pull the cart the first day we were back to school. The cart was pulled not based on the teacher's requests but on an old list with the core book's title at the top, left by my predecessor. The titles were old, many not appropriate to the teacher's aims for the classes (both in terms of subjects that didn't match her requests and reading levels that were far too easy), and the few that Eeyore was apparently ready to booktalk were the sequels to the core novel that the students had not yet read -- and it is more than crucial to read those in order. It was utterly ridiculous. My substitutes all week did her lunch duties, other than the one every other day where the administrators have us doing lunch duty at the same time in different cafeterias. I got called at home to update the website for my principal, and when I logged on to do what he asked, I saw that she had made a mess of the front page by just copying and pasting straight from the daily email announcements without editing or condensing, or using pdf links for more extensive announcements. I'm home sick, loopy from the steroids and I have to do this????
Eeyore came in on Monday and brought a teakettle from home -- told me that our aide, whose kitchen is now completely demolished, took the electric teapot (which was hers) home so she could boil water. Eeyore told me that the kettle had been a wedding present, and that she had never used it (it was in the box -- a basic copper-bottom Revereware kettle ... for the stove). I didn't say anything about it, and thought it was a little odd. She proceeded to wash the kettle, leave it on the counter, and then about 20 minutes later announced "Oh! This isn't an electric one!" I was at my desk and couldn't see her behind the circ desk back wall, so I have no idea what finally tipped her off. This is someone who is supposed to be a technology resource for the staff??
Since the beginning she has been insisting that we both had to do things and both make decisions. This has consistently been unworkable. We discussed weeding the collection over the summer before the previous school year finished, and she told me she wasn't going to come in to do any work at all over the summer -- she needed to clean her closets at home. I told her the exact dates I was planning to weed, since I had two weeks of both my little guy in camp and Sadie in daycare four days a week, and I told her if she wanted to join me or come drop in at any point she was more than welcome, and she said that was great idea and that it was nice that I was willing to do that since she wasn't. I weeded over 4,000 ancient and decrepit books over a course of about four weeks (did some therapeutic "get something done" time when my parents arrived and my mother-in-law was at the end). When I told her what I had accomplished in a phone call (which was originally to tell her I was taking the first two days of the school year off for bereavement since my mother-in-law had just died), she sounded miffed and ended the conversation. She called back ten minutes later and screamed at me and told me off for doing it. Her exact words were "It's not YOUR library!" WhaFuck? My response was to tell her "We discussed this in June. You knew what I was going to do, you knew when I would be there to do it, and you chose not to participate or even drop by to see how or what I was doing. We made the decision, I chose to follow it and you chose not to help." She kept repeating "What makes you think you can just come in and do that? It's not your library!" (Like I'm some janitor who would rather throw out the books than dust the shelves???) I think I repeated my response about five times. It took everything I had in me to keep my voice calm and professional. She ended in a huff, telling me that we had a major communication problem and we were going to have to deal with this as soon as I got back. When I got back to work, she mentioned that we had to discuss communication several times, but when I actually said "Fine, how about right now? We have time" she wouldn't actually talk about it -- just kept repeating that we have to communicate better.
Every single thing that anyone has asked me to learn to do or participate in (the webmaster duties, managing the website for the school, booktalks, workshops, meetings, consultations etc) Eeyore has gotten upset/miffed/huffy about: "Well why wasn't I asked to ...? You know this is supposed to be equal." However, by the same token, when I have made sure to include her immediately in discussions or requests, her response has been an unfailing, "Oh, you can do that. I really haven't done/read/whatever and you have." I have been telling her from the get-go that I DON'T CARE who people are asking to do things -- if she wants to do things, that's fine, but the bottom line is things have to get done. Looking back it's almost a paranoid-style response from her when she thinks I am somehow "getting" to do more than she is or that people ask me first and not her first, or don't make sure to ask us together or whatever. She pops up, usually starts off in a normal voice, but descends very quickly into a whiny-sounding harangue thaqt at this point I can't even listen to -- all I hear when she starts is "mememememememe". When I get asked to do something, I tell her about it as soon as is practical. I'm not interrupting her class or marching down to the caf to find her on lunch duty so that I can get her paranoid responses any faster.
We had a fairly serious difficulty just this week that required both of us to sit down and try to figure out what had gone awry. We decided that one of the solutions we would put in place now would be to purchase a small, relatively inexpensive combination safe. When the P.O. went down to the office, I was called down to explain the reasons why we needed such an item. This was during Eeyore's class. I decided to go down and be completely honest and take responsibility for what had occurred. I sat down with our fearless leader in his office to explain the situation in its entirety. When I sat down with him and explained the problem, the first thing I said after the explanation was "I'm responsible for this. I did things the way we have always done them, and trusted that it would be just fine. It wasn't." The discussion then went into all the possible variables, and the fact that there were so many major variables that there really was no viable solution. About that time, Eeyore walked in and said "Is this a meeting I should be at?" (As if I'm leaving her out on purpose) I told her that I was explaining our situation to our fearless leader, at which point she interrupted to announce that she had just brought down and deposited the exact amount of lost book monies we had collected since the beginning of school, and that she wasn't sure if the district could tell that we should have done that, but that she thought we should have the exact amounts recorded. This really wasn't what we were discussing, but I let it go because she was getting higher-pitched and more strident sounding. Then she said she had to go to lunch duty and left. OFL didn't quite know what to make of that. I left after telling him that I was planning to research different options and figure out some way to use the technology we have available to prevent the situation in the future. He was not pleased, but he was not angry with me. After I finished lunch duty, Eeyore found me near my desk, got close to me and said quietly, so what did you say to OFL? I told her that I gave him the facts, the variables, explained the problem, and that I told him I was responsible for this. The relief the came over her was palpable -- she actually thought that I was in there selling her out. The first thing out of her mouth was "Oh, GOOD!" I was aghast at her reaction and what she was continuing to say to me. She really thought I was in there dumping the blame on her. I couldn't even respond other than "WHAT?" The thought never entered into my mind to even consider doing such a thing... but apparently it did for her.
A later conversation with OFL made it clear that if the situation continued without change, all three of our jobs (his, mine and Eeyore's) were potentially in jeopardy as the district's expansion of some big brotherish software is coming sometime in the next few months. I made it very clear to him that I would not under any circumstance allow things to continue as is, and that I would ensure that this never, ever happened again. Again, he was very matter-of-fact with me, not angry. I believe that it was because I was thoroughly honest about things, answered all questions without hedging, and took immediate responsibility without being forced to do so. Though I believe Eeyore is an honest person, I cannot now say that she is capable of the latter two items in that last sentence. I decided to tell her what else OFL had said this afternoon once all the students had left, and her reaction was even worse than before. She actually said "I don't see why I should be held accountable -- I never had to deal with this before and I wasn't responsible for this at all." I said "We are both media specialists up here and we were both responsible for taking care of the situation." Her response was to just repeat that she didn't see any reasons why she should be accountable for any of it, it wasn't her fault, and why was I telling her this now anyway?
Damned if you communicate, damned if you don't. My junior high gym teacher, Mama Roe, used to holler at us "You cain't have yo' cake and eat it too!" I wish she'd show up and bellow that at Eeyore a few times. She had a great scaryass don'tfuckwithme voice.
Right now the one thing I know for certain is that I cannot depend upon her to be responsible for anything of consequence that I could also be held accountable for. I can't trust her. I don't know how to work with someone I truly do not trust. I've worked with people who were assholes, people I genuinely did not like, people who had major life situations that made them unreliable, but I cannot think of a single person I have ever worked with whom I distrusted this much. I do believe that if I had been teaching and she had been called down to explain, that she would have blamed it all on me. I don't believe that OFL would have necessarily bought that, but the idea that ducking all responsibility and assigning blame elsewhere would have very likely been her first response is pretty much a death blow to this "equality" business. After talking with my hubby, who was concerned enough about the situation to actually listen to me and try to help me sort out my options, I know that I need to discuss this with OFL as soon as practical next week (Tues, or Wed latest) and find way to make absolutely certain that my ass is convered and she has no possible options for any actions that would result in ME getting called on the carpet or worse.
And I return to my original question - how do I deal with knowing that she'd throw me under the bus without a second thought, and still manage some kind of professional/working relationship?
Thursday, January 04, 2007
What IS it about men and illness???
My cold from last week got significantly worse over the New Year's weekend, and I woke up at 4am Tuesday with my arm glued to me face from the discharge coming out of my eyes. Thank you, bacterial conjunctivitis. Went to see my favorite doc, and Jimmy told me that my lungs were also full of crap, which was why it was painful to take a deep breath, my temperature and my white count were both up, and the conjunctivitis was bacterial, likely from the infection that was already in my lungs and working on becoming pneumonia. Great. I can't go back to work until Monday because I'm officially contagious, I'm on all kinds of meds now, and the steroids he gave me to help clear out my lungs are making me absolutely nuts. I haven't slept more than 3 hours straight in two days, and when I do sleep I have the most bizarre and unsettling dreams, so I'm not feeling rested at all.
Add to all this my incredibly asanine husband, who apparently thinks that because I don't have to go to work, I should be able to do all sorts of things. When I asked him to pick up milk for the kids, his answer was "Why can't you do it?" When I told him (again) that I was sick and contagious, and trying to avoid contact with people, he sighed, and acted annoyed and put out. I called Mal to ask him to pick up the kids for me Tuesday, and when he knew he wouldn't be back in time, he called me and asked, "Why can't Steven do it?" My response was "Right. That's not going to happen." I don't know what he said to Steve, but I know he called him, and Steve came home early and picked up the kids. Unfortunately, whatever he said to him didn't stick. Yesterday I asked him if he would pick up the kids, and he said if he got home early. I assumed this meant that he would if he got home in time. He got home at 4:00, laid down on the bed upstairs, and when I asked when he was leaving to get the kids, he said "I thought you were going to do it." When I reminded him that he had in fact gotten home in time, he snapped, "I don't feel like it, okay? Why can't you do it?" He doesn't seem to care that I'm sick and exhausted. I ended up going to pick up the kids, and when I got home I ignored him and went upstairs and passed out for two hours. You would think that he would have at least have had some thought that I was getting behind the wheel of the Tahoe -- the most expensive thing we own other than the house, and he would have at least have been concerned that something might happen to the truck.
This morning he sighed and asked me "how are you feeling?" When I said that I felt like shit and that I hadn't slept more than three hours at a stretch in two days, he said nothing and just walked out the door. I've had thoughts of calling the locksmith and getting the locks changed and throwing his clothes into the driveway, but he wouldn't even know why. It drives me crazy because when he gets sick, the world stops on a dime, and he goes to bed and expects me to do everything for him. When I get sick, he gets annoyed that I even ask him to do anything. When he asks how I am, it comes across like he thinks he HAS to ask the question but doesn't give a shit about the answer. If I tell him anything about symptoms or how I feel, he doesn't respond other than looked irritated or annoyed. How is it that he can be so goddamn unsympathetic and incapable of any empathy whatsoever? Every time this happens I have this thought that if I ever have something truly go wrong with me, like God forbid, getting cancer or something else serious like that, he will be an utter hindrance to treatment and recovery.
Add to all this my incredibly asanine husband, who apparently thinks that because I don't have to go to work, I should be able to do all sorts of things. When I asked him to pick up milk for the kids, his answer was "Why can't you do it?" When I told him (again) that I was sick and contagious, and trying to avoid contact with people, he sighed, and acted annoyed and put out. I called Mal to ask him to pick up the kids for me Tuesday, and when he knew he wouldn't be back in time, he called me and asked, "Why can't Steven do it?" My response was "Right. That's not going to happen." I don't know what he said to Steve, but I know he called him, and Steve came home early and picked up the kids. Unfortunately, whatever he said to him didn't stick. Yesterday I asked him if he would pick up the kids, and he said if he got home early. I assumed this meant that he would if he got home in time. He got home at 4:00, laid down on the bed upstairs, and when I asked when he was leaving to get the kids, he said "I thought you were going to do it." When I reminded him that he had in fact gotten home in time, he snapped, "I don't feel like it, okay? Why can't you do it?" He doesn't seem to care that I'm sick and exhausted. I ended up going to pick up the kids, and when I got home I ignored him and went upstairs and passed out for two hours. You would think that he would have at least have had some thought that I was getting behind the wheel of the Tahoe -- the most expensive thing we own other than the house, and he would have at least have been concerned that something might happen to the truck.
This morning he sighed and asked me "how are you feeling?" When I said that I felt like shit and that I hadn't slept more than three hours at a stretch in two days, he said nothing and just walked out the door. I've had thoughts of calling the locksmith and getting the locks changed and throwing his clothes into the driveway, but he wouldn't even know why. It drives me crazy because when he gets sick, the world stops on a dime, and he goes to bed and expects me to do everything for him. When I get sick, he gets annoyed that I even ask him to do anything. When he asks how I am, it comes across like he thinks he HAS to ask the question but doesn't give a shit about the answer. If I tell him anything about symptoms or how I feel, he doesn't respond other than looked irritated or annoyed. How is it that he can be so goddamn unsympathetic and incapable of any empathy whatsoever? Every time this happens I have this thought that if I ever have something truly go wrong with me, like God forbid, getting cancer or something else serious like that, he will be an utter hindrance to treatment and recovery.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Out With the Old, In With the New
Happy 2007 ... less than an hour to go for 2006, and I am glad to see this one go. May this year bring greater peace, kindness, and a balance of happiness to us all.
I have been now four days off the ADs, and I seem to be doing well so far. I have been down with a nasty cold for the last 36 hours or so, and have spent the time either wondering why in the hell Steve can't seem to handle two kids on his own when he expects me to be able to manage at the drop of a goddamn hat, or wondering how I got through the last year, and what I want the next year to be like.
How did I get through the last year? Let's see ... a lovely combination of alcohol and antidepressants for the most part, some inner stamina, and a sturdier bit of backbone that I wasn't sure I had. How about the next year? Maybe a bit of better planning, definitely less of the alcohol and hopefully none of the antidepressants. I've decided I will only go back to those as a last resort. They weren't bad for me; on the contrary, it was all too easy to take one a day and let that give me the patience I need for dealing with all the bullshit in my life. I guess I need to see if I can deal with all this myself.
I need to start taking care of myself. I missed the appointment with the cardiologist for my stress test, and I have to go get my cholesterol checked again in February. Jimmy's going to fuss at me if I haven't had the stress test by then. Guess my comp day will be a med day after all. I've been thinking that I should maybe go over and use the treadmill a couple times a week. I can't seem to get any exercise in any other way ... maybe there with something for the kids to do I could manage it. I know I need it.
Steve's mad about Mal's girlfriend. I need to talk to both of them about that, and I have no idea how to go about it. The dinner we had was lovely, but the repercussions later were not. It wasn't even technically about hat -- he was officially mad because I went back out after dropping off the sitter to spend another hour or two socializing with them at Uncle Mike's house in Stamford ... something he would have done himself, and has done many times in the past, left me home with the kids to go do something else after dinner is over and done. He was just mad because there is a new person in the mix, and she by her simple presence makes things damnable difficult for him. I hope we can come to some balance with this too.
I have been now four days off the ADs, and I seem to be doing well so far. I have been down with a nasty cold for the last 36 hours or so, and have spent the time either wondering why in the hell Steve can't seem to handle two kids on his own when he expects me to be able to manage at the drop of a goddamn hat, or wondering how I got through the last year, and what I want the next year to be like.
How did I get through the last year? Let's see ... a lovely combination of alcohol and antidepressants for the most part, some inner stamina, and a sturdier bit of backbone that I wasn't sure I had. How about the next year? Maybe a bit of better planning, definitely less of the alcohol and hopefully none of the antidepressants. I've decided I will only go back to those as a last resort. They weren't bad for me; on the contrary, it was all too easy to take one a day and let that give me the patience I need for dealing with all the bullshit in my life. I guess I need to see if I can deal with all this myself.
I need to start taking care of myself. I missed the appointment with the cardiologist for my stress test, and I have to go get my cholesterol checked again in February. Jimmy's going to fuss at me if I haven't had the stress test by then. Guess my comp day will be a med day after all. I've been thinking that I should maybe go over and use the treadmill a couple times a week. I can't seem to get any exercise in any other way ... maybe there with something for the kids to do I could manage it. I know I need it.
Steve's mad about Mal's girlfriend. I need to talk to both of them about that, and I have no idea how to go about it. The dinner we had was lovely, but the repercussions later were not. It wasn't even technically about hat -- he was officially mad because I went back out after dropping off the sitter to spend another hour or two socializing with them at Uncle Mike's house in Stamford ... something he would have done himself, and has done many times in the past, left me home with the kids to go do something else after dinner is over and done. He was just mad because there is a new person in the mix, and she by her simple presence makes things damnable difficult for him. I hope we can come to some balance with this too.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Trial By Fire (Lite)
We'd made plans to all go out for dinner , and then we got the news that Nan's friend Lulu V had died, so we ended up going to the wake before we went out for dinner. It was old school Italian, open casket and the whole nine yards. I don't do that very well, but it wasn't too awful. Mal and Steve and I went together. Steve and I went on to Val Bella, and Mal went back to his house to pick up Karen. We sat in the bar for a little while until everyone else (Mal and Karen, Mike, and U.J.) got there. Dinner was very nice. I had the stuffed zucchini blossom appetizer, and it was wonderful. Everyone else had shellfish appetizers, so I didn't share with anyone. I had a filet, Steve had a rigatoni dish, Mike had fish, Mal had pork tenderloin. I didn't see what U.J. and Karen had because the table was pretty crowded and it was hard to see their side. Karen and I both had chocolate souffle for dessert, and it was divine. All of my boys behaved themselves. Steve even went to Macy's and bought a new outfit -- new sports jacket, nice shirt and tie, and new pants. He looked great! Mike looked like a schlub (had on an old polo shirt, no jacket).
After dinner, Steve drove home, and then I took Alice home and went over to Uncle Mike and Aunt Deb's to meet everyone and be social for a bit. They were all surprised when I walked in the door -- I never get to do that kind of thing! I'm always the one staying home with the kids. But Steve didn't want to come because he had to get up and go to work. It was fun, and I ended up staying until after midnight. U.J. is a little upset about this whole Karen business still.
I'm hoping things will slow down some after New Year's. I'm thinking about asking Mal if he would like to go with me and the kids (and maybe Mike and the kids too) somewhere during February vacation, maybe down to Disney for a couple days or something like that. I think he needs to spend some time with them, more than just an hour here or there. I hope he'll go for that. February is slow for him.
Steve said he would like to go to Louisiana in April, so I need to hunt up tickets for that and make sure Kristen and Danny are still on for the dates. Also talked to Kathy, and I may take a personal day mid-January and go see them in Boston. Jerome will be home for a few weeks then, but she has a business trip to Boston the week of the 14th, so he is coming with her. I thought I might take the kids and go stay one night there and take the kids and Jerome to the aquarium or the children's museum there -- something fun like that. She invited us down in the summer, too, so we talked about me and the kids coming for a week or so -- and me taking off for a couple days to go meet Steve in Vegas if Mom will come down and help Kathy and Jerome. Hopefully that will work out.
After dinner, Steve drove home, and then I took Alice home and went over to Uncle Mike and Aunt Deb's to meet everyone and be social for a bit. They were all surprised when I walked in the door -- I never get to do that kind of thing! I'm always the one staying home with the kids. But Steve didn't want to come because he had to get up and go to work. It was fun, and I ended up staying until after midnight. U.J. is a little upset about this whole Karen business still.
I'm hoping things will slow down some after New Year's. I'm thinking about asking Mal if he would like to go with me and the kids (and maybe Mike and the kids too) somewhere during February vacation, maybe down to Disney for a couple days or something like that. I think he needs to spend some time with them, more than just an hour here or there. I hope he'll go for that. February is slow for him.
Steve said he would like to go to Louisiana in April, so I need to hunt up tickets for that and make sure Kristen and Danny are still on for the dates. Also talked to Kathy, and I may take a personal day mid-January and go see them in Boston. Jerome will be home for a few weeks then, but she has a business trip to Boston the week of the 14th, so he is coming with her. I thought I might take the kids and go stay one night there and take the kids and Jerome to the aquarium or the children's museum there -- something fun like that. She invited us down in the summer, too, so we talked about me and the kids coming for a week or so -- and me taking off for a couple days to go meet Steve in Vegas if Mom will come down and help Kathy and Jerome. Hopefully that will work out.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
January Here We Come
Well, Christmas is over and done with. We survived all four rounds: Christmas Eve morning opening the gifts from my family, Christmas Eve at my father-in-law's, Christmas morning here, and Christmas dinner here. Steve once again wins the prize for toy purchases: a Homer Simpson-themed "Operation" game, otherwise known as "Junior Spanish Inquisition" for the way Homer howls and screams every time Sadie takes a stab at him, and a completely realistically ugly baby chimp doll that responds to sound and make chimp noises and moves (scares Sadie every time).
On the better side, he got Sadie the Dora castle, and Jake got a new backpack full of Pokemon cards and a child-size real guitar. Unfortunately, the instructions for tuning that would only have been less helpful had they been in Chinese, so we have to go to the music store in town sometime today and see if they have a better set of instructions and "how to play" books. Either that or I'll call Marie and see if she can help.
The kids got lots of wonderful goodies from Granny and Papa and the aunts and uncles, too -- lots of toys and games and fun stuff. Kathy apparently went to Target after Halloween and bought up the leftover costumes to send Sadie for dressup, and she found some really cute little suitcases and a giant hatbox to hold them all. There are accessories out the yingyang -- and sparkle shoes to boot! Jake's suitcase was full of art supplies, which he absolutely loved, and he was thrilled to get the Cranium Hullabaloo game from Granny and Papa.
Christmas Eve on North Street was somewhat stressful. Mike and I did the cooking, as Mal didn't make it home from dropping Karen back in NJ until after everyone else had arrived. He was tired and semi-hungover, which didn't help. Steve was cranky and when I went out to the garage to refill my wine glass, he followed me out and barked at me "You better not get drunk." I put the glass down, told him he couldn't talk to me like that, and he could damn well keep the glass. I should have thrown it at him, but I didn't want to make a scene. I went in and sat down in the living room with Sadie and decided to put another coat of nail polish on. He came in, brought me the glass now full of wine, and I told him he was rude and mean and I didn't want it. He didn't apologize to me until after we had opened up all the kids' gifts and I had taken the kids downstairs to see the tea house and the fort I built and painted for them. Those were the hit of the evening -- the kids loved them. I actually forgot to have them open up the dressup closet! That will be a New Year's gift for them. Mike and I decided to exchange the rest of the gifts for the kids after they get back from Boston. Mike gave me a pair of earrings, and Mal gave me a beautiful ring and earring set that he bought in St. Martin. He told me he thought it looked like the islands -- it's a wavy white gold design, with alternating diamonds and multicolor sapphires (pink, yellow and greenish blue). Steve gave me the matching necklace Christmas morning. Christmas morning with the kids was fun, and Mal came over to see the kids. He didn't eat because he wasn't feeling well. I told him he'd feel better if he quit trying to singlehandedly support the Chianti industry. He smiled, and fell asleep on the couch sitting up. Steve made a wonderful dinner later in the day, and I had all my boys at the table except Owen. Mike only stayed with them for about 2 hours in the morning -- he had planned on being there most of the morning, and then things didn't go well and that didn't work out. We talked about doing things differently next year for Christmas ... ie he will wear a decent shirt for Christmas Eve, he wants to have his own Christmas with his kids, Mal will not be allowed to go out carousing the day and night before a holiday and has to be over his hangover, Steve can't be an asshole, etc.
We're going out to Val Bella for dinner on Wed night with Mike, Mal, U.J., BettyAnn and Karen, so that should be nice. I hope. Mal and Karen are going down to Harrah's in Atlantic City for New Year's, so they should have a very nice time. We're doing a grand total of nothing again this year ... doubt we'll even see the ball drop.
On the better side, he got Sadie the Dora castle, and Jake got a new backpack full of Pokemon cards and a child-size real guitar. Unfortunately, the instructions for tuning that would only have been less helpful had they been in Chinese, so we have to go to the music store in town sometime today and see if they have a better set of instructions and "how to play" books. Either that or I'll call Marie and see if she can help.
The kids got lots of wonderful goodies from Granny and Papa and the aunts and uncles, too -- lots of toys and games and fun stuff. Kathy apparently went to Target after Halloween and bought up the leftover costumes to send Sadie for dressup, and she found some really cute little suitcases and a giant hatbox to hold them all. There are accessories out the yingyang -- and sparkle shoes to boot! Jake's suitcase was full of art supplies, which he absolutely loved, and he was thrilled to get the Cranium Hullabaloo game from Granny and Papa.
Christmas Eve on North Street was somewhat stressful. Mike and I did the cooking, as Mal didn't make it home from dropping Karen back in NJ until after everyone else had arrived. He was tired and semi-hungover, which didn't help. Steve was cranky and when I went out to the garage to refill my wine glass, he followed me out and barked at me "You better not get drunk." I put the glass down, told him he couldn't talk to me like that, and he could damn well keep the glass. I should have thrown it at him, but I didn't want to make a scene. I went in and sat down in the living room with Sadie and decided to put another coat of nail polish on. He came in, brought me the glass now full of wine, and I told him he was rude and mean and I didn't want it. He didn't apologize to me until after we had opened up all the kids' gifts and I had taken the kids downstairs to see the tea house and the fort I built and painted for them. Those were the hit of the evening -- the kids loved them. I actually forgot to have them open up the dressup closet! That will be a New Year's gift for them. Mike and I decided to exchange the rest of the gifts for the kids after they get back from Boston. Mike gave me a pair of earrings, and Mal gave me a beautiful ring and earring set that he bought in St. Martin. He told me he thought it looked like the islands -- it's a wavy white gold design, with alternating diamonds and multicolor sapphires (pink, yellow and greenish blue). Steve gave me the matching necklace Christmas morning. Christmas morning with the kids was fun, and Mal came over to see the kids. He didn't eat because he wasn't feeling well. I told him he'd feel better if he quit trying to singlehandedly support the Chianti industry. He smiled, and fell asleep on the couch sitting up. Steve made a wonderful dinner later in the day, and I had all my boys at the table except Owen. Mike only stayed with them for about 2 hours in the morning -- he had planned on being there most of the morning, and then things didn't go well and that didn't work out. We talked about doing things differently next year for Christmas ... ie he will wear a decent shirt for Christmas Eve, he wants to have his own Christmas with his kids, Mal will not be allowed to go out carousing the day and night before a holiday and has to be over his hangover, Steve can't be an asshole, etc.
We're going out to Val Bella for dinner on Wed night with Mike, Mal, U.J., BettyAnn and Karen, so that should be nice. I hope. Mal and Karen are going down to Harrah's in Atlantic City for New Year's, so they should have a very nice time. We're doing a grand total of nothing again this year ... doubt we'll even see the ball drop.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Joining the list of things I never want to do again...
We've been trying to correct Sadie's habit of getting up in the middle of the night and demanding to come sleep in our bed. Thus, we've been letting her yowl a bit when she wakes up, and if nobody shows up, she tends to play with the stuffed animals and books in her bed until she falls back to sleep. So far, so good, right? Last week when she had a cold we had the Benadryl out at night so she would breathe better and sleep better. I thought the top was on tight, and it was up out of reach. Think again.
Joining the list of things I never want to do again: taking a hallucinating two-year-old to the ER. My chance at the Mother of the Year Award is completely shot to hell now.
Last night (this morning) she got up and started yowling a little about 4:15 or 4:20. After a few minutes she started talking to herself, and I dozed off again. I woke up at about 4:40 when she started yelling "Sticky! Sticky!" which is definitely NOT normal. I found her sitting in her bed, covered in Benadryl with and empty bottle and the top right next to her. I asked her if she drank any and she said yes -- but with an 8-oz bottle about 2/3 full, there was no way to tell just how much she actually ingested. Steve cleaned her up and I went hunting for the ipecac and charcoal, which were nowhere to be found. We still don't know where the first aid box went. I hunted for about ten minutes and then went up and told Steve I was taking her to the ER. He went to look for the first aid kit while I was throwing on clothes and getting Sadie into warmer pajamas -- he didn't find it either.
The ER was whopping busy (couple car wrecks and a lot of espanol going on), so Sadie and I sat in the triage room for about 45 minutes waiting for a nurse. She started twitching, and got pretty bug-eyed during that time, and after the nurse arrived, took her vitals and put all the relevant info into the computer, Sadie was looking fairly stoned. It was far too late for ipecac or charcoal at that point, since the medication was liquid and was already well in her system. The doc who came to see us put her on a heart monitor and had the nurses put in an iv line and draw some blood. They had to tape her entire right arm to a padded board to protect the iv line. Apparently since we didn't know exactly how much Benadryl she got, there was no way to know if she was going to cross the line into seizure territory -- thus the iv line at the ready in case they had to administer anti-seizure meds. That was delightful, as were the two times they had to take her temperature rectally. After that, the stickies holding the heart monitors to her chest were nothing.
We stayed in the ER for 6 hours, during which time her heart went racing several times and she hallucinated on and off for about 4 hours. She started off waving her hands in front of her face and telling me there were goldfish flying in her face, then later pointing to an empty wall in the room and telling me to go sit on the couch, then telling me a few times that Daddy was at the door (no one was there), and she spent some time having conversations with people who weren't there ( Miss Natacha, her teacher, Alice the babysitter, and Jake, who got yelled at for changing the channel on the TV, except he wasn't there and the DoodleBops were singing happily the whole time -- not even a commercial). She was also twitching a lot, like when you're just falling asleep and your whole body jerks. She definitely wasn't sleepy, so it was really weird to watch her do that. She was too dizzy to sit or stand, so she spent virtually all of that time on my lap. A volunteer brought us a breakfast tray with coffee (I drank) and orange juice (Sadie drank), and some other less than memorable breakfast items that neither of us wanted.
After they cleared her to go home (heart rate back down to 120s consistently, not hallucinating (or at least talking about it) and minimal shaking), we drove home, had lunch and she went down for a 3 1/2 hour nap. Steve came home with a cold, and I took a nap before I went to go pick up Jake. She was fine after her nap and a warm bath, and we are all relieved that this ended well.
I made sure to check caps on all the medicine bottles we have, and made sure they were all put up higher than before.
Joining the list of things I never want to do again: taking a hallucinating two-year-old to the ER. My chance at the Mother of the Year Award is completely shot to hell now.
Last night (this morning) she got up and started yowling a little about 4:15 or 4:20. After a few minutes she started talking to herself, and I dozed off again. I woke up at about 4:40 when she started yelling "Sticky! Sticky!" which is definitely NOT normal. I found her sitting in her bed, covered in Benadryl with and empty bottle and the top right next to her. I asked her if she drank any and she said yes -- but with an 8-oz bottle about 2/3 full, there was no way to tell just how much she actually ingested. Steve cleaned her up and I went hunting for the ipecac and charcoal, which were nowhere to be found. We still don't know where the first aid box went. I hunted for about ten minutes and then went up and told Steve I was taking her to the ER. He went to look for the first aid kit while I was throwing on clothes and getting Sadie into warmer pajamas -- he didn't find it either.
The ER was whopping busy (couple car wrecks and a lot of espanol going on), so Sadie and I sat in the triage room for about 45 minutes waiting for a nurse. She started twitching, and got pretty bug-eyed during that time, and after the nurse arrived, took her vitals and put all the relevant info into the computer, Sadie was looking fairly stoned. It was far too late for ipecac or charcoal at that point, since the medication was liquid and was already well in her system. The doc who came to see us put her on a heart monitor and had the nurses put in an iv line and draw some blood. They had to tape her entire right arm to a padded board to protect the iv line. Apparently since we didn't know exactly how much Benadryl she got, there was no way to know if she was going to cross the line into seizure territory -- thus the iv line at the ready in case they had to administer anti-seizure meds. That was delightful, as were the two times they had to take her temperature rectally. After that, the stickies holding the heart monitors to her chest were nothing.
We stayed in the ER for 6 hours, during which time her heart went racing several times and she hallucinated on and off for about 4 hours. She started off waving her hands in front of her face and telling me there were goldfish flying in her face, then later pointing to an empty wall in the room and telling me to go sit on the couch, then telling me a few times that Daddy was at the door (no one was there), and she spent some time having conversations with people who weren't there ( Miss Natacha, her teacher, Alice the babysitter, and Jake, who got yelled at for changing the channel on the TV, except he wasn't there and the DoodleBops were singing happily the whole time -- not even a commercial). She was also twitching a lot, like when you're just falling asleep and your whole body jerks. She definitely wasn't sleepy, so it was really weird to watch her do that. She was too dizzy to sit or stand, so she spent virtually all of that time on my lap. A volunteer brought us a breakfast tray with coffee (I drank) and orange juice (Sadie drank), and some other less than memorable breakfast items that neither of us wanted.
After they cleared her to go home (heart rate back down to 120s consistently, not hallucinating (or at least talking about it) and minimal shaking), we drove home, had lunch and she went down for a 3 1/2 hour nap. Steve came home with a cold, and I took a nap before I went to go pick up Jake. She was fine after her nap and a warm bath, and we are all relieved that this ended well.
I made sure to check caps on all the medicine bottles we have, and made sure they were all put up higher than before.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Dear Santa
Dear Santa,
9 days to go, so I figure this is enough warning. Can you just fast forward me to January? The kids are so looking forward to your visit, and I keep putting on the sorority smile about the whole shebang. All I want for Christmas is to not have to deal with any of the grownups I am related to by marriage. If you can't send me ahead to January, can you send all of them to somewhere waythehellfargone? Several different somewheres would be ideal. And if you leave me with all the kids, make sure and leave a bonus for our beloved cleaning lady (or send the elves over for the magical mystery cleanup).
I think this is the first Christmas I am really not enjoying at all, and worse, dreading.
Now, for the radio station that is playing a near-constant barrage of Christmas/holiday tunes, I have the beginnings of a variation on Santa Baby. It's a work in progress.
Done:
9 days to go, so I figure this is enough warning. Can you just fast forward me to January? The kids are so looking forward to your visit, and I keep putting on the sorority smile about the whole shebang. All I want for Christmas is to not have to deal with any of the grownups I am related to by marriage. If you can't send me ahead to January, can you send all of them to somewhere waythehellfargone? Several different somewheres would be ideal. And if you leave me with all the kids, make sure and leave a bonus for our beloved cleaning lady (or send the elves over for the magical mystery cleanup).
I think this is the first Christmas I am really not enjoying at all, and worse, dreading.
Now, for the radio station that is playing a near-constant barrage of Christmas/holiday tunes, I have the beginnings of a variation on Santa Baby. It's a work in progress.
Santa baby,
slip a chainsaw under the tree
For me
To use upon my no-good (insert relative-in-law here)
I've been an awful good girl
So hurry down the chimney tonight
Santa baby,
a reinforced Humvee to schlep the body out to the dump
that chump
I'll wait up for you dear
So hurry down the chimney tonight!
Come and stuff my stocking tight
With those goggles that can see in the night
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me too
Ba-Doopy-Do
Santa Baby, forgot to mention one little thing
A string
nice and strong for a good-size garrotte
Why not?
Santa Baby, hurry down the chimney tonight!
Hurry down the chimney tonight!
slip a chainsaw under the tree
For me
To use upon my no-good (insert relative-in-law here)
I've been an awful good girl
So hurry down the chimney tonight
Santa baby,
a reinforced Humvee to schlep the body out to the dump
that chump
I'll wait up for you dear
So hurry down the chimney tonight!
Come and stuff my stocking tight
With those goggles that can see in the night
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me too
Ba-Doopy-Do
Santa Baby, forgot to mention one little thing
A string
nice and strong for a good-size garrotte
Why not?
Santa Baby, hurry down the chimney tonight!
Hurry down the chimney tonight!
Done:
- Shopping is done
- Christmas cards are done and mailed
- packages sent
- teacher gifts gotten
- wrapping -- nighttime garage activity
- finish painting the playhouse
- make the cinnamon rolls for the neighbors and us
- make a shopping list for Mal/Mike for Christmas Eve dinner
- make sure we have vegetables and dessert for Christmas Day
Friday, November 24, 2006
Up and Down .. and Back Up Again
After yesterday and today, I decided to go ahead and get the last refill of my double-dose ADs. I really thought that the shit wouldn't hit the fan until much closer to Christmas, at which point I had planned to be much more used to the single dose schedule. Best laid plans, eh? Well, shit. I hope this is a whole lot better by the end of December. I really don't want to have to admit to Jimmy that I've done this and worse, that I might need another month or so of higher dose crap. I keep thinking, though, that not only do I need to make sure that I am sane and apparently normal for my own children, but also for Charlotte and Owen ... everyone else (almost) can take a flying leap. All four kids have been through the wringer these last several months (O and C more than anyone) , and they need as normal a Christmas as we can give them. So if it takes pharmaceutical help for me to achieve that this year, so fucking be it.
Had a TMI conversation with my dear FIL today ... took the giant box pieces that Joanne and I will hopefully transform into a fun playhouse for the kids over to his house, and he helped me tuck them into the garage. I asked if he was going south this afternoon, and he got a shy, sheepish look on his face and said, "well, I was thinking about it..." I told him to have a nice trip, and he said, "that's better than BettyAnn telling me to be careful!" and I said, "I don't want to think about whatever Betty's telling you to be careful about!" His response was "Well, the Lexapro pretty much takes care of that so nobody needs to worry." Then we talked a little about the meds -- how I was going to go back to the double dose for a month and then go back down after the holidays, and he said he had tried going off it last week and he decided that was a bad idea, side effects and all. I just hope that this works out for him. Leaving him today I was so very sad, but it was weird -- it wasn't an I'm sad for him kind of thing, it was more an "I'm sad that things are going to be different and I don't know what all this means". Part of me wants to tell him this, but I don't want to burden him, and I don't want him to think I disapprove -- because I definitely don't. That man put in a lifetime's worth of effort and emotion into the last ten or fifteen years, and he deserves every break and wonderful thing there is in life at this point.
Damn, but I need to get my hair done. I haven't been to the salon since July, and my hair looks like absolute shit on a shingle. There's my selfish moment for the week.
Had a TMI conversation with my dear FIL today ... took the giant box pieces that Joanne and I will hopefully transform into a fun playhouse for the kids over to his house, and he helped me tuck them into the garage. I asked if he was going south this afternoon, and he got a shy, sheepish look on his face and said, "well, I was thinking about it..." I told him to have a nice trip, and he said, "that's better than BettyAnn telling me to be careful!" and I said, "I don't want to think about whatever Betty's telling you to be careful about!" His response was "Well, the Lexapro pretty much takes care of that so nobody needs to worry." Then we talked a little about the meds -- how I was going to go back to the double dose for a month and then go back down after the holidays, and he said he had tried going off it last week and he decided that was a bad idea, side effects and all. I just hope that this works out for him. Leaving him today I was so very sad, but it was weird -- it wasn't an I'm sad for him kind of thing, it was more an "I'm sad that things are going to be different and I don't know what all this means". Part of me wants to tell him this, but I don't want to burden him, and I don't want him to think I disapprove -- because I definitely don't. That man put in a lifetime's worth of effort and emotion into the last ten or fifteen years, and he deserves every break and wonderful thing there is in life at this point.
Damn, but I need to get my hair done. I haven't been to the salon since July, and my hair looks like absolute shit on a shingle. There's my selfish moment for the week.
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