it's holiday time again...

And I'm wishing I could abandon everything and head for Maine.  But I can't.  I have two children who still believe that Christmas is wonderful and lovely, and I need them to still believe that.  I am having my own troubles...  getting grumpy with God again, not understanding whatever stupid crap He allows to happen.  But that's my job.  I'm human.  I'm allowed to have free will and wonder.  And I absolutely plan to have a long-ass conversation with Him about the whys and how-comes once I kick the bucket.  But up to that point, it's pretty much one-sided and my questions only.  Not exactly fair.  However, I don't see events in my life as exactly fair either... so it's once again a crapshoot.

I will do whatever it takes for my family to have a lovely Christmas.

If it's anything like the last couple of years, it will feel like I am taking a bullet.  Hourly.

I need them to be safe and happy.

But I would very much like to be on an island, drink in hand, pretending the calendar doesn't exist for six weeks or so.

Where is that fuckingPowerball when I need it????

Bubble, Bubble, Boil and Trouble...

Dear State of CT,

I realize we're in the hole. Actually, a lot in the hole. And yes, we need to get going on getting out of the hole, so we need more cash.

But seriously? Jacking up the taxes in August, but making them retroactive to January? Who the hell can manage the math for that?

Well, yes, probably most high school Algebra II students. Or maybe Calculus. Whatever, one of those math universes can probably handle this with eyes shut and one arm tied behind. But I don't live there now, and didn't do that well there when I was in high school.

Anyway, given the email that came from the Payroll Supervisor in town today, I am not alone in this misery. Apparently neither the genius squad in the Payroll Dept nor their extremely expensive payroll software system can manage the math either.

And now, with two links to the new tax tables and the new withholding form, we are abandoned to figure this shit out ourselves, and let Payroll know what it should be taking out for taxes.
Yes -- those who are responsible for figuring it out and doing the math have thrown up their hands and said "You figure it out and let us know - then if it's wrong it's not our fault."
How many other people's jobs are like this???? You only have to do it when it's NOT HARD?

Regardless, I did spend 15 minutes figuring it out. I think I have it approximately right. And now I think it will be easier to have the extra cash automatically transferred into my savings account every paycheck and then cut the state a check next February when we do our taxes rather than endure the frustration and bullshit from Payroll as asking them to take out more will not happen in a timely fashion, and frankly will only screw things up more.
And that's guaranteed, just like death and taxes.

I'm in with the Cybils for 2010!

Very excited -- I made the cut and was asked to be part of the Middle Grade/YA Nonfiction First Round Panel! Our group is asked to read all the nominated books (or at least 50 pages of each -- you're allowed to put it down if it's not worthwhile), argue amongst ourselves, and agree on a short list of titles which is then passed on to the Round Two judges, who have about 3-4 weeks to then decide on a winner.
Here's our list -- ones I have and will be reading shortly are in bold. Hopefully the rest will arrive at some point soon...

Alexis: My True Story of Being Seduced By An Online Predator by Alexis Singer
An Unspeakable Crime: The Prosecution and Persecution of Leo Frank by Elaine Marie Alphin
Basher Basics Math by Simon Basher
Basher Basics Punctuation by Simon Basher
Basher Chemistry by Simon Basher
Basher Planet Earth by Simon Basher
Birmingham Sunday by Larry Dane Brimner
Book of Bad Things: A Sinister Guide to History's Dark Side by Count Droffig
Boys Lie: How Not To Get Played by Belisa Vranich
Bullying and Me: Schoolyard Stories by Ouisie Shapiro
Candy Bomber: The Story fo the Berlin Airlift by Michael O. Tunnell
Captivating, Creative and Unusual History of Comic Books by Jennifer M. Besel
Dark Labyrinths by Michael E. Goodman
Driven: A Photobiography of Henry Ford by Don Mitchell
Fatty Legs: A True Story by Christy Jordan Fenton
FDR's Alphabet Soup: New Deal America 1932-1939 by Tonya Bolden
Frederick Douglass by David Adler
Frenemies for Life: Cheetahs and Anatolian Shepherd Dogs by John Becker
Frozen Secrets: Antarctica Revealed by Sally M. Walker
Get Real: What Kind of World Are You Buying? by Mara Rockliff
Girlology's There's Something New About You by Melissa Holmes
Green Careers: You Can Make Money and Save the Planet by Jennifer Power Scott
Hannah: My True Story of Drugs, Cutting and Mental Illness by Hannah Westberg
Here There Be Monsters: The Legendary Kraken and the Giant Squid by H.P. Newquist
Hot X: Algebra Exposed by Danica McKellar
I Am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced by Nujood Ali
Janis Joplin: Rise Up Singing by Ann Angel
Journey Into the Deep: Discovering New Ocean Creatures by Rebecca Johnson
Kakapo rescue: Saving the World's Strangest Parrot by Sy Montgomery
Lafayette and the American Revolution by Russell Freedman
Legendary journeys: Trains by Philip Steele
Life as a Knight: Interactive History Adventure by Rachael Hanel
Lives of the Pirates: Swashbucklers, Scoundrels by Kathleen Krull
Lost Worlds by John Howe
Magic Treehouse Research Guide #21 Leprechauns and Irish Folklore by Mary Pope Osbourne
Middle School: The Stuff Nobody Tells You by Haley Moss
Mission Explore by The Geography Collective
Navigators: Dinosaurs by David Burnie
Navigators: Oceans and Seas by Margaret Hynes
Navigators: Rainforest by Andrew Langley
Not Your Typical Book About the Environment by Elin Kelsey
Piece by Piece: Stories about Fitting Into Canada by Teresa Toten
Planet Hunter, Geoff Marcy and the Search for Other Earths by Vicky Oransky Wittenstein
Project Seahorse by Pamela S. Turner
Prowling the Seas: exploring the Hidden World of Ocean Predators by Pamela S Turner
Rae: My True Story of Fear, Anxiety and Social Phobia by Chelsea Swigget
Secrets Girls Keep by Carrie Silver Stock
Sir Charlie: Chaplin the Funniest Man in the World by Sid Fleischman
Skywalkers: Mohawk Ironworkers Build the City by David Weitzman
Sparky: The Life and Art of Charles Schultz by Beverly Gherman
Spies of Mississippi: True Story of the Spy Network the Tried to Destroy the Civil Rights Movement by Rick Bowers
Spilling Ink by Ellen Potter
Starting Here: Doing Hard Things Right Where You Are by Alex Harris
The Bat Scientists by Mary Kay Carson
The Book of How
The Book of Why
The Good, the Bad and The Barbie: A Doll's History and Her Impact on Us by Tanya Lee Stone
The Hive Detectives by Lorelee Burns
The Secret Life of a Snowflake by Kenneth Libbrecht
The Secret of the Yellow Death by Suzanne Jurmain
The War to End All Wars: World War I by Russell Freedman
The World Famous Miles City Bucking Horse Sale by Sneed B. Collard III
Theodore Roosevelt for Kids: His Life and Times by Kerrie Logan Hollihan
They Called Themselves the KKK by Susan Campell Bartoletti
Under a Red Sky: Memoir of a Childhood in Communist Romania by Haya Leah Molnar
Versus: Pirates by Richard Platt
Versus: Warriors by Richard Platt
Voodoo in New Orleans by Stephen Person
Watch This Space: Designing, Defending and Sharing Public Spaces by Hadley Dyer
Zodiac Killer: Terror and Mystery by Brenda Haugen

didn't see that coming...

Meetings, nonsense, and general busting my ass in the last several weeks... and then I decide today that after getting the monthly report done, I should clean out the extra file drawer in my desk and get it set up to actually hold files. So I start cleaning stuff out and sorting and filing... and I discover amongst the need-to-file items the legal pad from last summer. It's the pad of paper I used to record all of the meds Kathy was on, and when we were supposed to give them to her, and how much she managed to take every day. I took a few minutes to pull myself together at work, and then went to get the kids and get home, have dinner and some apparently normal time with the family before bedtime. And now, kids in bed, I am slamming down the vino and trying very hard to numb myself into not noticing the avalanche of emotional violence that this pad of paper has unleashed. If I drink enough tonight, maybe the nightmares will be quelled temporarily. If not, maybe I will be up early enough to call in sick. I don't know. This brick in my chest is heavy and it hurts. And I don't quite know how to deal with it...

I saw my father-in-law last week. I guilted him into buying winter coats and snow pants for the kids since he bailed on that last year. And the worst part of our conversation was when I said to him " I have to buy Christmas presents for my kids from two dead people this year. I don't ever want to have Christmas or birthdays again, and I know I have to because I have kids. I can't stand what I've lost, but I can't stand thinking that I could inflict that pain on my children. So they are going to get gifts, and I am going to wish I was far away in some isolated cabin on Christmas."

I suck as a parent.

Completely.

Back home, and still embarassing my mother...

Well, the internet connections were a little squirrelly on our trip, not to mention the kids made a habit of going to bed much later than they usually do, and therefore I didn't get much "alone" time in the evenings as I had thought I would.
Anyway, we're home, it was a good trip, and the kids enjoyed themselves a lot.

Fast forward to today -- when I had decided to try painting the upstairs bathroom as a trial project before tackling the kitchen. So the kids and I jump in the car and head off to Home Depot, where they have those nice little paint sample containers for about $3. We picked some colors, and waited somewhat patiently for the guy at the counter to mix them for us. Just before he finished up, a rather pinch-faced elderly lady walked up to me, asked "Is that your daughter?" (pointing to DQ, and I'm expecting the usual comment about her curly long hair or something like that, as she's been reasonably well-behaved). When I said "Yes", this woman announced loudly, "She should not be wearing THOSE SHOES. (points to DQ's purple Crocs) They'll RUIN her feet. They are terrible, and you didn't even buy her the right size -- they are far too big for her, and IT'S DANGEROUS. And you bought them for your son, too! (now points to The Boy's red Crocs) THEY'LL RUIN his feet too! I read all about them, and DON'T YOU KNOW you should buy them better shoes?" She took a breath, at which point my mental ability to control my mouth lost the tug-o-war with my pissed-offedness, and I looked her straight on and said in the best fuckyou voice I have, "As if those are the only shoes they have! I don't know you, and you don't know me, and this is absolutely none of your business. Do you have children?" She was more than a little shocked, and just nodded, so I finished up with "Then why don't you go harass THEM?" I steered both kids to the other side of the paint counter, where the paint mixing guy was trying hard not to laugh.

And now I get to choose which blue I like better upstairs...

Roadtrip 2010: Day 2

The Holiday Inn Express in Lewisburg/New Columbia was pretty much what I expected for a Holiday Inn -- a few minor issues, but basically fine for a relatively inexpensive hotel. We had a basic breakfast there, packed up and hit the Dunkin Donuts in Lewisburg since the coffee at the hotel as basically what my dad brews... and I was not interested in earning any bonus points this trip for putting up with that.
We got off a pretty obscure exit, and meandered through picturesque winding hills and farm roads. Very few cars were on the road, and we passed as many Amish horse-drawn buggies as we did cars until we got to Penn's Caves. It wasn't crowded, and we bought tickets for the 11:40 cave tour. When they called us, we walked down a steeply curving path to the steps leading down to the cave. The cool air rising from the cave made us glad we'd put our fleeces on, and the kids trotted right down into the shady area where the boat awaited. It was narrow, not much wider than a large canoe, with a narrow bench on each side for sitting. Flat bottomed, it was actually very stable, even with the odd assortment of people in various sizes in our group. There was a small outboard motor at the opposite end, and I decided we'd be among the last to get in, so we'd be furthest from the motor and whatever smells came out of it... a half hour of huffing gasoline fumes isn't my idea of a fun time.

There were lots of good-size trout in the shallow waters of the cave, mostly gathered near the waiting area, so I guess people must drop stuff in there to feed them. The water was very cold -- near freezing according to our guide, and it was that way year round as we were 100 feet underground. The water came from a natural spring, as well as trickling through the limestone rock above us. Once we motored away from the cave entrance, the only lights were the two giant flashlight/spotlights held by our guide, and it was pitch black otherwise. When we came into one of the main caverns, he flipped a switch to light up the area, and we were amazed at the size of the space and the rock formations around us. I learned that Stalactites have a "C" in them since they grow from the ceiling, and Stalagmites have a "G" in them since they grow up from the ground. In Penn's cave, there is a set of matching stalactite/stalagmite formations that are separated by 6 inches. It will be 3,000 years before they meet and grow into one formation (according to our guide!). We saw the soot left from torches and candles from days when explorers had only those sources of light, and we saw how iron leaching through limestone colors certain formations. It was a really interesting geological experience!
Going back through the gift shop, we picked up goodies for the CT cousins, and bought a bag of what looked like dirt. That was actually an activity -- we took it outside, and the kids panned for treasure in the running sluice outside the gift shop. There were semiprecious gemstone chips of all colors for them to find, so it was fun.

We left there, wandered back to the highway, and got off in Bellafonte to go find some lunch. The sigh on the highway said "Historic Victorian downtown area", so off we went. We ended up finding a Dairy Queen in the corner of a lovely old building, so we had lunch and ice cream there. Pressed tin ceilings at least 14 feet high, fancy old fashioned windows and doors, and a cool restored tile floor really gave the place ambience! We took our ice cream outside, found a shady bench, and looked around as we finished eating. It's a lovely place, and if we hadn't been there on a Sunday, probably more of the stores would have been open. There were some funky little shops that would have been cool to poke around in! We left there around 3, and headed off for the long drive of the day to Ohio.
Most of that went well, at least until the backseat denizens simultaneously announced they had to go -- and not the kind of go you want them to do in a gas station bathroom. We were in a very rural area, and getting off at the next exit led us another 4 miles off course to locate the only open gas station around. We bought some junk food as a silent apology for the fumes in their one unisex bathroom...
And then the junk food mania hit about ten miles down the road, and the drive for the next hour was hell. I don't think anyone will ever have to remind me never to feed them that shit ever again. I'm fairly certain there was green smoke coming out my ears and my fangs and claws left marks in the steering wheel.
Arriving in Wadsworth Ohio, we found a basically brand new Holiday Inn Express right off the highway. Right across the road there is an Applebee's where I had one monster size mango margarita with dinner as my treat for surviving the drive. We are happily tucked into a very nice 3rd floor room with two beds and a couch, plus a nice fridge and microwave. The fridge is good because I've got The Boy trained to fill it with our cooler items and use the freezer section to refreeze the water bottles and cold pack. They have a nice breakfast room downstairs, and we'll check out the pool in the morning while we wait for rush hour to disappear. I think we'll leave around 10 or so and head off on the final leg of this side of the trip. Indiana is beckoning... can't wait for the corn and tomatoes, and the smell of the forest on the farm.

Roadtrip 2010: Day 1

Packed up the Tahoe with The Boy and the Drama Queen, and left about 10:30 this morning for the first leg of our road trip to Indiana and back. After getting stuck in traffic on the Tappan Zee bridge (four car pileup in the left lane causing the backup, not very pretty), the rest of the ride was really nice. We stopped just shy of the Pennsylvania line to get lunch (yes, I caved and we went to McDonald's). Next time we do this, there is a scenic overlook about 20 minutes past that stop that would be an awesome place for a picnic lunch. 80 West through Pennsylvania was a nice, easy drive, with lots of wildflowers growing on the wide medians. Tons of Queen Anne's Lace... made me think of childhood days on the farm.
Tech notes: Steve gave me his TomTom to use, but up against the free Mapquest app on my iPhone, I wasn't impressed. I unplugged it after lunch and switched to the Monster cable for my phone, so I could use the Mapquest while playing my ipod tunes through the stereo system. No problem there, and I got an afternoon of Motown classics while the kids were watching Princess Bride and Star Wars.
The kids did very, very well thanks to the dvd player and the goodies they packed in their backpacks. We arrived in New Columbia/Lewisburg around 3ish, where our room wasn't quite ready, so we dumped stuff and hit the pool.
Dinner was at the Country Cupboard -- LOTS of seniors, so it reminded me of all those buffet places we went to with the grandparents growing up, but the food was fresh and good, and definitely a step above the fast food options around. I had the cashew chicken salad, and the kids had chicken and fries and cinnamon applesauce, and after dinner letting them hit the ice cream bar for make your own sundaes was only an extra dollar apiece. Great deal and lots of fun making the softserve sundaes!
Drove around Lewisburg a little after dinner and saw Bucknell University. Really pretty campus... but it's basically right next to the penitentiary. Cross that one off the colleges for the kids list.
Back at the hotel for another round of wear-em-out in the pool, then up to the room for looney tunes movie and bedtime.
Tomorrow we're headed to Penn's Caves in the morning, then on to another Holiday Inn Express just over the Ohio border.

Missing My Dingbat

It's 11 pm on a Friday night, and I should be in bed. Actually, I should be way far gone in bed and passed out sleeping. I have been so tired this week. I put the kids to bed and picked up a book -- Standing Against The Wind by Traci Jones. This book has nothing to do with my situation on the surface, but there was a phrase the author used to describe the main character's sibling that sent me completely over the edge tonight: "She was a force of nature."

I lost it.

In the middle of a book about a kid clawing her way out of the Chicago ghettos, I lose it because all I can think of is my sister Kathy, beloved wonder who made my kids believe they were the center of her world, and whose anger and humor made her a force of nature. Would I have had the same visceral reaction five years ago? Maybe... maybe not. Loss is a powerful change in one's life. Sometimes it's that cliche -- you don't know what you have until it's gone. I am pretty sure I knew what I had in her, but I don't think I realized how big the hole in my life would be without her.

And it's a goddamn big fucking hole.

Countdown: 10 days

10 days to go.

On the 22nd, I check into the hospital and go under the knife at 1 pm. I love my doctor and I love my surgeon, and I know this is absolutely the right medical decision for me. I will come out of this minus one uterus and one cervix, with stitches holding the middle parts of my guts together, and I will no longer feel like I have a pistol cocked at the back of my skull. Two or so days in the hospital, and then home for 6 weeks of not doing much (and doing absolutely nothing for 2 weeks). Mom was very hesitant about agreeing to come since Kristen's radiation treatments will be finished about the same time, so we are making plans to handle this without her. Still no contact from Kristen. I don't expect anything.

I am absolutely humbled by the number of friends who have offered food, visits, support, and even cleaning help! I think we have at least 3 weeks worth of food coming via delivery and takeout and gift certificates. Lyd has been a godsend (as usual). Talking though things with her always helps.

FIL has signed on for pickup duty as much as we need, and possible sleepovers. The stepmonster was predictably awful for the discussion last night ("my surgery was much worse than yours, you'll be up in no time, I don't know why they told you to take 6 weeks off, you don't need that, you don't need antidepressants, you shouldn't blah blah blah...). For the record, she had her ovaries removed. Similar, I guess, but not the same. What a wretched load of crap from her.

I feel like I have things pretty well organized for the kids, as our neighbor down the street will take them to school for us (she runs the early morning program at school), they go to the Y 3 days a week, and the other two FIL can pick up or I can call on multiple people close by to bring them home. This way Steve can get to work on time and come home, and he will have time to run to the grocery store or the drugstore, run a load of laundry, or whatever.

This will all be okay. I will be fine. I will get through this and I am looking ahead -- months and years with goals in mind.

New Year's Resolutions for 2010

I've been thinking about this a lot the last few days.

What do I want out of the next year?

Do-able and Achievable:
1. I want to lose ten to fifteen pounds by eating more vegetables, drinking less (note I am not eliminating this -- I'm no sadist), and using the Wii fit every morning.

2. I want to use the new space in the basement to help me organize the house and clean out the clutter. I want everything in this house to have a home that makes sense.

3. I want good test results. And if not, I want to get rid of everything as soon as possible.

More Nebulous And Out Of My Control:
4. I want to get my family communication issues resolved and find some peace with my sister. I don't think we will ever be more than that -- and I have serious doubts that she will participate in anything like this.

I would like the next year to be happier and healthier than 2009. So far it is shaping up to be 2009's twin, however, and we haven't even really gotten started. I would like to have one year where my children don't have to listen to me explain horrendous things to them. I would like a year where the worst things we have to worry about are lunches and schedules and where the missing mittens are. But as Forrest says, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you gonna get.

Merry Christmas...

The kids got wii games, clothes, books, Barbie stuff out the yingyang for DQ, game-building software for The Boy, and some board games.
Hubby got lots of Home Depot gift cards, and a few little things from me.
I got a basement well on the way to being finished, a heated chafing dish and digital picture frame, and a wonderful framed set of pictures of Kathy and our grandmother, both at age 5, and they look almost identical. Oh, and a giant "fuck you I don't want anything to do with you" from Louisiana.
And the soap opera continues...

I Suck At Everything Right Now

I am having the most horrible, awful wishes about wanting to just get in the truck and drive somewhere --anywhere-- and avoid all Christmas everything. I don't want to wrap presents or bake or go anywhere or have people over or anything else. Everywhere I look I am reminded of what I've lost this year and what I'm in danger of losing, and I am honestly not handling any of it well. I am feeling completely selfish and whiny and would quite prefer to go curl up in a fetal position under my bed for the next two weeks. Actually what I want is to go up to some cabin somewhere remote and just hide from the world for a while.

Not a possibility.

I hate impossible things.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year is some good news from down south.


Love,Karen

PS -- I'll leave out the Coors and sardines for you, like when we were kids

and what now...

Have just returned from the annual 8th grade whirlwind tour of DC -- no barfing this year, but it was the soap opera to end all soap operas in terms of romance drama with the kids. And that was a relief -- I actually quit chewing my nails during the trip (am of course back to that now). The morning we left, OFL called me off the bus to tell me that "Our Friend" was discussing employee assistance with the union prez in his office, which made me feel better, and worse.

Because I'm a rat.

I can rationalize this whole thing out the ass, but the feeling remains -- I've really ratted someone out to The Man.

The group that intervened over the winter got together recently when we learned that Our Friend had started doing things that endangered her job and we all agreed that the next step had to be taken and the admins had to know, but one by one they chickened out until literally I was left on the phone with the last one when OFL arrived for the official meeting to discuss a problem... and I had to go face him alone. That was the one specific thing I told the group I did not want to have to do alone, and yet they left me to it anyway.

I was so pissed about that.

I had The Discussion and gave him the facts and avoided the names of those who chose not to appear, and I cried and shook because I was so upset we had gotten to this point, and OFL was understanding and matter-of-fact in terms of where we would go next and how he would approach things -- and what would happen if all else failed. He left and made calls and cancelled meetings, and I went and threw up in the ladies' room. Courage means doing the right thing even though you're a shaky weepy want-to-vomit mess and you do it anyway. I guess sometimes you get to be the pissed-off hoowah hand-me-the-fucking-gun John Wayne/Bruce Willis kind of courageous, but I have a feeling more often than not it's the other kind.

And that just sucks. There's plenty of preparation for doing the right thing when it involves absolutes: save the kid from the pedophile, save the old lady from being run over in the crosswalk, save the nun from the armed robber... but when it comes to saving a dear friend from themselves, when they are so fucking good at talking everyone out of doing anything, when you see the road ahead and it's full of empty bottles and broken dreams... well, there's Lifetime movies that always end up with everyone in the right place, and that's about it. And that shit doesn't apply.

I think right now that courage was involved, but I don't know where this is going, or whether I will look back and wish I'd done something different. I just know that I believed very, very strongly that things had gone far past what I was capable of dealing with, and that I really thought what I did was the best course of action at that time.

I hope it was.
I hope it works.
I hope my friend comes back to me, and I hope she forgives me when she finds out I spoke up.

A Toast to My Brother-In-Law

This is the 6th or 7th draft of this toast. I'm still working on it and tweaking as the inspiration strikes.

A toast to my brother-in-law, on the occasion of his wedding to Lydia.

I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at. ~Maya Angelou

Family bonds are grown and cemented over the years through a history of shared experiences: mundane meals, funny cooking disasters, late nights and hangovers, silly photographs, acts of kindness and practical jokes, celebrations of accomplishments, and difficult times... through celebrations and tragedies alike.

I knew of Michael before I met him. Steve talked a little about his brother, the popular water polo player, the Greenwich boy. Mike and I first met when Steve brought me to their grandparents' home for Mike's college graduation party. Steve hadn't bothered to tell me he hadn't ever officially "brought a girl home" to meet the family, so there was more fuss than I expected, and Mike seemed to find all the Italian ladies swarming around and overwhelming me pretty amusing. We got to know each other through the next several years, while Steve and I were dating, engaged and married. Mike slowly became the brother I wasn't born with, but the one I laughed with (and at), depended upon, got mad at, smacked, threw things at, forgave, and most importantly, loved. Mike has grown into one of the most kind-hearted men I know, with a wonderful sense of humor. He is someone who understands how important it is to show those around you how much you love them, and he works at that every day.

Steve and Mike's mother was one of the strongest, most loving, spirited, and opinionated women I have ever known. As with many other relationships, we had our differences and came to terms with them through time. During the summer before she passed away, I made sure to go and hold her hand and talk with her every day as she was able, hoping she would help me understand what I should do for her grandchildren. They were the easy part, though, and she knew that more than I did. When Lucille was very ill, she took my hand one afternoon as she lay propped in her bed, and told me the best thing she ever did was raise two good boys. She said "Take care of my boys. I know you'll take care of Steven. You take care of Michael too -- you're the one who will do it." It took her a long time to tell me that, because she kept losing her breath, but she made sure I heard every word, and she made damn sure I said yes. She knew then what Mike would face without her, and she entrusted him to me. This has been my charge, my sacred promise to her that I have tried so hard to keep. Now, I pass part of that charge on to Lydia... you, whom Lucille would have embraced and enjoyed so much, for your spirit and humor and lovely kindness and fun. I wish you could have met her -- she would have had so much fun with you. I believe she's happy today, because her beloved firstborn son is truly happy.

Going back to Maya Angelou's quote, marriage, much like sisterhood and brotherhood, is a lot of work. Sometimes it's an exotic vacation, sometimes it's a everyday stay-cation, sometimes it's treading water, and sometimes it's literally keeping each other's heads above water every few minutes. While all of that is true, none of it lasts too long before something changes. But it's worth it because all those experiences deepen and strengthen the love that keeps us all going. And family plays a crucial part in keeping marriages together and strong : we love the people who are our family: those who choose to help us, who choose to stand by us, and choose to be part of our lives during times both easy and difficult. Our family has evolved and changed over the last twenty years, with the comings and goings of life's events. It is love, above all that has sustained us and kept us together, and I am now and will always be grateful for the love that Mike has found with Lydia. Take care of my brother, dearest Lydia, and welcome to the family.

It's Thankful Time Again

We're closing in on Thanksgiving, and we will be taking the kids and escaping to Vermont to go skiing this year. FIL and wife have left for St. Martin for 2 weeks, and Hubby doesn't want to stay home. So he found us a house to rent, and we'll drive up Thursday morning (with a cooler full of stuff for turkey dinner) and come back on Sunday. The kids are looking forward to the trip, and I am too.
Things to be thankful for:

• Hubby
• The Boy and the Drama Queen
  
• Both of us are employed.
• Both kids are healthy and doing well in school.
• The extended family has its variety of problems, but so far it looks like they are getting resolved.
• Books to read.
• Reviews to write.
• Classes I enjoy teaching.
• Booktalks I enjoy giving.
• The Christmas cards are done and only have to be addressed and mailed!
• VINO!
• Lexapro
• warm sweaters
  
• fleece anything
• curling up with a kid on each side watching The Wizard of Oz or The Princess Bride (or any Star Wars)
  

I see so much that is frightening these days, with people losing jobs and homes, and the economy cratering, and it makes me grateful every morning to get up and look at my family and see that they are all right. It's scary to think that things are more precarious than we realize -- that's what makes me appreciate what I have.

It's A New World

Well, maybe not literally. But politically in America, you can't ignore it. We have stood witness to history, and this is something that my children and I will be able to tell their children, and maybe their children's children: that The Boy and DQ peeked over the voting booth table and watched me vote for the first black President of America. And not because he was black -- because I thought he was the best man for the job and I thought he had the best chance of doing what needs to be done to make this country a better place for my family.
Grandmona isn't just rolling in her grave... her ashes are spinning like a frickin' tornado in there.
God bless the Obama family. And God bless all of the Secret Service agents charged with keeping them safe. I hope they succeed.

I'm Done Being Undecided

Well, after months and months of wobbling back and forth on the political fence, I've decided. I sat home for 2 days this past week with a nasty sinus infection and flipped back and forth between all of the biased news networks to see what the latest scoop on the end-run of the campaigns was... and it was amazing to me the spin being thrown all over.
I turned it all off on Friday and made a list of all of the things that were truly important to me.
And then I thought about everything I had heard the candidates themselves say about where they stood on the issues and what they would do (or not do) about those things.
My list pretty much revolves around my children and my retired parents.
1. End the war in Iraq. I don't want my son ending up drafted at 18 because this war had to be "won." I think ending the war will start the process of rebuilding this country's international reputation, which has been entirely destroyed.
2. Fix the Social Security/Medicare mess so my parents aren't destitute.
3. Use the energy crisis as a catalyst for moving to alternative fuels, and creating jobs based on those energies (building wind/solar infrastructure and retooling car manufacturing for hybrid/alternative cars).
4. Invest in education, especially science and math.
5. Change the health care system. It's completely broken and needs some kind of massive overhaul -- including malpractice lawsuit laws.
6. The Supremes. Looks to me like we will be in need of anywhere from 1-3 new Supreme Court justices in the next several years. I want decent, rational justices who look at the constitution as their guiding document. I do not want Roe v. Wade overturned because of evangelical religious pressures.

While I don't want my taxes to go up, if it means sacrifice in the short term to fix our long-term problems and make a better life for my kids (and for when I retire), I am willing to face that. I am hoping that things we have now can be rearranged to better address our needs, but looking at the looming deficit and the Social Security/Medicare hole we are going to fall into in 10-15 years, I don't think it's realistic to think we can do it without some overall belt-tightening all around.
And thus, looking at the candidates, I have come to the following conclusions:
1. War... Obama looks most likely to end the war. McCain keeps talking "victory" which smells fishy to me. Palin doesn't help him win me over on this one.
2. Social Security/Medicare... it's a tossup to me. They both recognize the problem and both seem willing to look into serious reforms and changes.
3. Energy/Environment ... Obama has more detailed plans and ideas than McCain. Period.
4. Education... Obama wins this one again with more detailed plans and ideas. McCain just isn't giving enough information, which makes me think he considers this a lesser issue. It's not for me.
5. Health care... Obama has a more comprehensive reform plan, but it sounds like socialized medicine on the surface. McCain wants to give money for buying the insurance, but also wants to tax medical benefits -- so it doesn't sound like he actually wants to make sure people can do this. I'm leaning Obama on this one because I know we need to do something major, and maybe this is what we are going to have to do to make sure everyone has health insurance and can receive competent care.
6. Supremes... McCain loses dramatically here. I don't see him as one who will nominate justices without the Roe v.Wade litmus test. This is an area that will have serious ramifications long after the next president leaves office, and I don't want to have to fly out of the country with my daughter or niece should they get into "that sort" of trouble and want a choice. I think Obama and Biden will be more likely to nominate justices who are more reasoned and constitutionally mindful.

Here's what I don't give a shit about: Palin's clothes and children, Biden's blathering, people Obama has met who have weird ideas or priorities, and McCain's wife's money. None of that makes one bit of difference in my life.

Based on my list of priorities and what I gleaned from the candidates' speeches, debates, and websites, I'm going to be crossing my fingers and voting for Barack Obama and Joe Biden. I think they want to address the concerns I think are important, and I think they will tackle them in a way that benefits the most people.

I hope. And I will vote on Tuesday.

And isn't that about all we can do at this point?

I love my kids...

Every now and then, I get a jolt that makes me see how good my life is. Much as I bitch and moan about things, I do have a lot of wonderful people and opportunities in my life that make it worth putting up with all of the rest of the mundane bullshit.
Today's jolt: my realization that The Boy is a really, really great kid. What caused this? I got a phone call from a parent of one of the kids who is in his afterschool program. Her daughter's homework planner was MIA, and she asked very politely if I could check to see if The Boy had picked it up mistakenly. I checked, and only found his planner in his backpack. The chilling shrieks and bloodcurdling screams that came over the phone next made me feel extremely sorry for the mother who was putting up with her 7-year-old's atom-splitting tantrum since we didn't have her planner. After the call was over and my hearing had started to return to my right ear, I went into the living room and hugged The Boy and told him I was really glad that he could handle problems and be helpful. When Hubby returned home and I told him about the call and how glad I was that our fella didn't throw tantrums like that, his response was "Well, we don't put up with that crap -- he knows if he did that, he'd get a smack and get sent to his room. So he doesn't do it." Frankly, I think it's more than that... it's more than fear of getting a smack on the butt and having to sit up alone in his room. It's that we make an effort to talk with him about solving problems and coming up with alternatives when he gets into situations like lost homework or whatever. He's used to us talking about feelings and giving words to use, not just when he's feeling out of sorts, but when we are too. He sees the Drama Queen going into her four-year-old rages and how we try to talk her through them, which doesn't work about 90% of the time, and she ends up with the smack on the bottom to get her attention and the trip to her room to calm down, but we do start with the talking and end with it after she's settled down. We're heavy on the old-school parenting, but we also make a concerted effort to listen, to talk through things and to deal with feelings and situations. I think you have to have both methods as options -- just smacking your kids doesn't work, and neither does talking at them when they are so pissed off that they are incapable of listening. It's all about balance, and sometimes that is really hard to find... but isn't that part of being human and wandering through the wilderness of parenting? Anyway, back to the jolt business, even though my kids are not perfect, and I am definitely not mom of the year, I do appreciate all of the joy and wonder my kids bring to this crazy family we have, and I hope those are the parts they remember most when they are grown.

HA!

Wizards vs. Vampires... it's all settled now.